Author Archives: pales62

ODORIFEROUS “What the devil is that awful smell? It’s bringing tears to my eyes, not to mention the dog passed out! Every night it’s like this.” “For goodness sake, you know damn-well that I cook exotic foods from around the … Continue reading →

MISSING She was beside herself with grief and fear. She didn’t know what to do. Vinnie had been missing for over a month. She had gone to the police, but they did nothing. Out of desperation she contacted a private … Continue reading →

APPLYING All he wanted was a small loan, just to pay off some small overdue bills. He went to his local bank with whom he had and account for the last thirty-five years. He was given a loan application by … Continue reading →

MISSING She was beside herself with grief and fear. She didn’t know what to do. Vinnie had been missing for over a month. She had gone to the police, but they did nothing. Out of desperation she contacted a private … Continue reading →

THE QUEST It was the same scenario every day. Little or no variation. The Clampitt family arose at five AM. Jedediah and his oldest son, Obediah, did all the chores: milked the cows, slopped the pigs, fed the chicks and … Continue reading →

CAN YOU IMAGINE He had no idea how he got there. He was butt-down, feet-up in a garbage can, located somewhere he had never seen before. The last thing he remembered was the party with Sheila. Loud music was playing, … Continue reading →

WHO DRIVES Cranky Claus (pronounced claws) hadn’t driven a car for the entire eighty-five years of his life and he damn-well wasn’t going to start now. Only thing he ever drove was the old John Deere with which he had … Continue reading →

TOYS IN THE ATTIC Mee-Maw and Pop-Pop were killed in a horrible car crash. I was extremely close to them, taking their deaths very, very hard. For months after they died my mother, brother and myself could not enter their … Continue reading →

MIRACLE Claude did not have an inkling of how he got there. It was an exquisite place with lush vegetation, teeming with extensive wild life. There was no one there like himself. Claude was terrified, almost in a panic., but … Continue reading →

DO NOT BURN THE TOAST The toaster oven was an integral part of her life. Nary a day past when she didn’t make use of the appliance. One day she was extolling the praises of this modern cooking marvel to … Continue reading →

CALVIN Calvin X. Winkler had been married three times. His first wife could not control a raging heroin addiction. She died of a bad dose that contained fentanyl! They were married only six months when she died. Calvin’s second wife, … Continue reading →

WHAT DOES ONE BELIEVE? Years after the fatal accident, a lonely figure in a hooded cape arrives at the scene of the tragedy and lays a wreath at the site. As oddly as the figure arrives, it disappears just as … Continue reading →

THE JOURNEY A young couple started on a long journey to their ancestral home. They hadn’t been there in decades and were most anxious to rekindle old friendships. They were driving during a dark night, on a deserted country road, … Continue reading →

SLEEPWALK MURDERS Nana di Nandingo committed a number of murders while sleep-walking! She killed in a ritualistic manner. The corpses were always found in a clearing, spread-eagled over a huge, white wooden cross. The right thumbs were clumsily removed from … Continue reading →

THE SWINDLER AND THE SAVER Nana was a professional grifter with great skills. She cheated hundreds out of money by small-scale swindling. She was an exceptional con artist and a scam artist par excellance. As she became more and more … Continue reading →

MARS BARS The earth is closest to Mars every 1.6 years. Today it takes 260 days to reach the planet from earth. An elite group was chosen to colonize the planet. They would never see earth again. Raul Blausteiner and … Continue reading →

COHORTS Nana and Ada were cohorts. Nana, the grifter – Ada the saver. The more Nana stole, the more Ada bought freezers. Their success was short lived. Nana got nabbed and soon implicated Ada. Nana served time; so did Ada. … Continue reading →

EX M.I.L. My ex mother-in-law, Ada, was, to say the very least, unique, even among the world’s most notorious mothers-in-law. Ada marched to the beat of another drummer; in fact, to an entire marching band. Her schedule was very different … Continue reading →

“BEING THERE” The most unforgettable and famous character I ever met, I never met – unless you count motion pictures. I shall try to characterize this person by what he said both on film and in public. He was a … Continue reading →

LANCE’S LAMENT Lance, an extreme hypochondriac and even more extreme germaphobe, has locked himself in his apartment since the first news of the Covid pandemic hit the media in early January. Since then, Lance has not gone out into New … Continue reading →

HOME AGAIN It is said that you can’t go home again, but I beg to differ. I am going home for the first time in many years, after working on an oil pipeline up in Nome, Alaska. It was hard, dangerous work, but I made a … Continue reading →

LUXURY RESORT It was heavily advertised on TV, radio and the rest of the media, “Toss your cares to the wind!”; “Enjoy the vacation of a lifetime!” The advertising pitches were endless. It started to sound real tempting to the … Continue reading →

Callahan’s Rick prepared his lunch for school as he always did. His father was long gone and his mother lay passed out at her usual place on the couch in front of the TV, clutching an empty bottle of vodka … Continue reading →

RECLUSIVENESS Harvey Dunford III lived alone, almost in total isolation, rarely leaving his two-story walk-up apartment in the Soho district of New York City. He lived off a rather substantial inheritance from his father’s estate, the Dunford Holding Company, that … Continue reading →

ANNA ALICIA HASTINGS Anna is an ultra-wealthy, society matron with no heirs. She lives alone in an opulent condo on Fifth Avenue with an exquisite view of Central Park. Her only husband, the love of her life, passed away forty … Continue reading →

THE LIGHT She was simply the one and only love of my life. I first saw her when we were in the seventh grade. She was standing in front of her open locker, staring intently, trying to figure out why … Continue reading →

SPINDLER’S LIST Bruce J. “Chuckles” Spindler decided to celebrate his “win” over the police. Why? No one knows. He was never contacted by the police or ever was arrested for that matter. Yet, Bruce knew it was just a matter … Continue reading →

FROM A WINDOW It was a dark, damp, cold winter day in International Falls, Minnesota. Dorothea Mars Littlefield sat in front of a window in her parlor, staring at the swirling snow. She was ruing the fact that the annual … Continue reading →

GARAGE SALE A garage sale was advertised in the local paper, the Piedmont Post Herald. JD was a sucker for any sale. He was there thirty minutes before the sale was scheduled to begin. When the garage door opened, JD … Continue reading →

AND AWAY WE GO The pandemic was eating at them more than with most people. The MacQuoids, Andromeda and Everson, were serious germaphobes and hypochondriacs. They had not left the confines of their home since Corona popped up, having their … Continue reading →

ARE WE HAVING FUN YET       Talk about New York in the 1960s. It was the height of enjoyment. There was the Palisades Amusement Park, Coney Island, Jones Beach, Rockaway and Manhattan; just to name a few fun places. So much … Continue reading →

ECHOING ECHOES Echo the mountain nymph Pined away for the love Of Narcissus Until nothing was left of her But her voice      So, it was with Edwina Desjardins, who was deeply in love with Massimo Wallenstein. Alas, it was a … Continue reading →

PANDEMIC LONELINESS       According to a thorough analysis of one’s ability to form meaningful human connections, a report, from a federal committee, chaired by Senator Homer Simpson of Idaho, released just this past Friday, found that if you were lonely before … Continue reading →

WHATCHA WANNA EAT     “Wha do ya tink we does? I’m kinda beat, just sittin ron da house. How’s about we hit some bar and down a few?”     “Nah, not in da mood. I been so lickhered up since dis ‘rona … Continue reading →

PERSONAL PERSONALITY A personality trait, heh? Many more than I need None stand out One is not greed Which one to pick? Very hard choice Maybe impatience Up the flagpole I’ll hoist Pandemic stresses traits Exaggerates them a lot Heavy … Continue reading →

ITALIAN THAKSGIVING     The Funicello family is a large, scattered clan who get together every year at Thanksgiving no matter what. This has been a family tradition since Nuncio, the patriarch of the family, migrated to the U.S. in 1897 from … Continue reading →

PALMOLIVE PROMPT This week’s prompt reminded me of many things.  A partial list follows:  A favorite joke:   Two penguins are taking a bath                              One says, “Pass the soap”                              The other answers, “No soap – radio”  Another winner:                               She’s beautiful                               She’s engaged … Continue reading →

RALLY     Anti-jacketeers held a massive rally outside the Burlington Coat Factory in International Falls, Minnisota to protest what they called, a  left-wing cold weather conspiracy.     “These elitist owners think that they can convince us that down jackets, parkas and mackinaws … Continue reading →

I WAS COMPELLED TO FOLLOW THE PROMPT “SAY NO”      From his mouth did blow      Tried to make folks “Ho, ho, ho”      Or get attention with “Yo, yo, yo”      His wife said “No, no, no”      This stopped not Joe      With him … Continue reading →

STIMULUS     A new stimulus bill was just signed into law by the president. The bipartisan act would require all American citizens to mail the U.S. Government a $1200 check.     It took months of often acrid negotiations, but Congress and the … Continue reading →

THE MASK     Morning dawned bleak and overcast with a cold seemingly incessant drizzle. Randolph (his friends called him Rand) rose when his alarm clock rang at exactly 6:30 AM, just as it did every day except Sunday, for the past … Continue reading →

ROOM     Need to give myself     Room     In the quiet of my     Bedroom     Life filled with     Gloom     Feelings of      Doom     Sweep it out with a     Broom     Hawaiian habit of     Choom     Shut my door      Cloom     Virus affords no     Headroom     Disaster starts to … Continue reading →

BIRD CULT     Warren “The Eye” Peepers engaged every weekend in his favorite hobby, bird-watching. He could not wait to finish his job at a major New York Hotel. He was the supervisor of the cleaning staff at the Hilton Eagle. … Continue reading →

BIRD CULT     Warren “The Eye” Peepers engaged every weekend in his favorite hobby, bird-watching. He could not wait to finish his job at a major New York Hotel. He was the supervisor of the cleaning staff at the Hilton Eagle. … Continue reading →

A DATE     It was by far one of the most successful and satisfying dates for both parties. It started with a sumptuous dinner at the 21 Club, followed by hours of cheek-to-cheek dancing at the Plaza Hotel, finally culminating with … Continue reading →

  CARDBOARD STUDENTS   Lance Carpenteur reported to Ft. Myers High School for his senior year. He was avidly looking forward to all the great rituals and his graduation, but the viral pandemic put a damper on his dreams. Much … Continue reading →

  AGING THOUGHTS   Jacob Taylor Rumsfeldt had very little to do during the Covid-19 epidemic, so he got out his yellow legal pad, sharpened his number two Dixon pencil and started to reproduce his thoughts on the blue-lined pages. … Continue reading →

WARNING   Many Americans will be caught completely off guard. Researchers at the University 0f South Dakota School of Mines released an extensive story revealing that a vast majority of American citizens are totally unprepared for the time when the … Continue reading →

FEDERAL RESERVE ACTION   The Federal reserve, in an action to help Wall Street, infused $500 million worth of cocaine to offset stock market loses. Financial experts were counting on the stimulus to turn 200,000 Wall Street employees into coked-up … Continue reading →

  VARIATION NEEDED   Current pandemic Carbon-copy living Each day identical Duplicate living   Days the same Not at all different Like “Ground Hog Day” Nothing different   Déjà vu All over again Matching days Identical again   Days paired … Continue reading →

  BAN THE NOODLES   The World Health Organization, due to the Covid-19 pandemic, has urged an end to blowing water through a pool noodle into friend’s faces. They strongly emphasized the fact that contagion could make this type of … Continue reading →

  PHASE FOUR   Florida enters phase 4, the governor pretending Covid-19 is over!   Governor DeSantis says the state is on track for progressing into the final stage, telling residents that they would soon be entering this stage by … Continue reading →

  THE GROUP   They would get together every night during the long hot summer in New York City. They met on the roof on the top of a six-story tenement on the upper west side; 109 W. 97th Street, … Continue reading →

  ONCE IN A LIFETIME   (With thanks to David Burns and the Talking Heads)   And you may ask yourself How do I handle this? And you may ask yourself What is this pandemic? And you may ask yourself … Continue reading →

  PFIZERMACHINATIONS   A frustrated CEO, G. Armanio Day, in an internal memo, admitted that his company, Pfizer, discovered a proven-successful vaccine for Covid-19 months ago, but still cannot agree on an effective ad campaign or a catchy name for … Continue reading →

  SHOWER SAFETY   A bizarre news item appeared in the Peabody, Massachusetts’s newspaper,” The Peabody Post”. It reported on a local resident, Stephen Millersteen, who told a reporter for the newspaper that it had been months since he has … Continue reading →

    TIS A PUZZLEMENT   Isolated and desperate for a new hobby, pastime or diversion in the face of social distancing measures implemented to fight Covid-19, mobs of violently bored citizens have begun looting puzzle stores across the country. … Continue reading →

    ODE TO BOREDOM   What’ll I do today? There must be a way Can’t go out and play Indoors I stay   Eating’s fun I’ll weigh a ton Sleep’s good More than I should   Turn on TV … Continue reading →

    V FOR VIRAL VICTORY   I am a virus, an infectious agent. My ilk typically consists of a nucleic acid molecule (a complex organic substance present in living cells, especially RNA whose molecules consist of many nucleotides linked … Continue reading →

    “THE MAN”   I grew up in the midwestern town of Decatur, Illinois (The Soy Bean Capital of the World”). My father, an avid New York Giant fan, would often take me to St. Louis to watch my … Continue reading →

    TWENTY-TWENTY   Scientists predict that this will be the worse year since 2019. Martine Wallingford figured that he would have to enjoy what precious little of 2020 he had left before we all die! First, he tried unplugging … Continue reading →

    HOOPNAGLE AND THE PROFESSOR   Hypocrisy is defined as the practice of claiming to have moral standards or beliefs in which one’s behavior does not conform. Harrison Hoopnagle was the very exemplar of hypocritic behavior. He constantly pretended … Continue reading →

  TWO FOR ONE   Gather around, all ye car owners! Allow me to relate a true story that will give you the ’willies’. This dude, Ace Flippen, Jr., bought a small red sports car from “Carl’s Car Charter Corporation”. … Continue reading →

SHIP OF FOOLS OR A CRUISE FROM HELL OR TATTOOS, BOOZE & OBESITY   Joachim never wanted to take a cruise. He was quite content with spending his annual two-week vacation from the Goucutow Shirt Company at the Hide-Away-Hideaway near … Continue reading →

  TATTOO YOU   The owner of a tattoo parlor, “The Eyes Have It”, in Miami, Florida, is Thomasina “Dead-Eye” Robalizio. One day he noticed an oddity while going over his monthly receipts that he never encountered before. Thom, as … Continue reading →

    TARGET TENSION   Exulting with joy as she violently kicked over an empty stroller, mother Tandalaya Zambrusky, age thirty-four, was observed saying, “I’m free” to herself and several onlookers in a Target store in Kenosha, Wisconsin. It was … Continue reading →

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  RUN DEEP, RUN WIDE   They planned this sort of trip for decades. They scrimped and saved every penny until they had enough money to take their dream ocean cruise. Walter Wyatte and his wife, Yolanda, knew this would … Continue reading →

CRUISIN’   Sitting comfortably on the small balcony of her room, she stared out at the vast expanse of the ocean. She pictured herself ending it all in the watery maelstrom. Amanda Cloudcluster had just gotten out of a long-time … Continue reading →

  NOT NOW, NA’NDE (with apologies to Pink Floyd’s “Not Now John”)   He barely got through high school – drugs. By a miracle he was accepted at “Adventist University of Health Sciences” in Orlando, Florida. As usual he graduated … Continue reading →

  THE STONER   Back in his college days, Rory Radzinski was a boozer of epic proportions! He was also one of the first at the university to “score” marijuana (the word “pot” was not yet in common usage)! It … Continue reading →

  THE STONER   Back in his college days, Rory Radzinski was a boozer of epic proportions! He was also one of the first at the university to “score” marijuana (the word “pot” was not yet in common usage)! It … Continue reading →

A HOUSE DOWN THE STREET   Dale lived in the same house, on the same street, in the same dull town of Peaceful Vista, Iowa for all of his eighteen years. There was another house, abandoned, a block away from … Continue reading →

WHICH WITCH   Here’s the scenario: I was seventeen and “going steady” with this knock-out gorgeous girl, Greta Zimmer. Trouble was, I had steadily gotten bored with our relationship. I wanted out something terrible. I just could not figure out … Continue reading →

RESOLVING RESOLUTIONS   One day, for some unexplained reason, I decided to list resolutions for the new year. Here they are, listed in no order of importance whatsoever: 1-Exercise more. No time for the gym. It interferes with my TV … Continue reading →

DINNER FOR TWO   It was a very big deal. My fiancé and I were dining at an expensive restaurant to celebrate setting the date for our wedding. We were happily enjoying our meal, washed down with a bottle of … Continue reading →

MACY’S SANTA   I was four years old. My Aunt Anna took me to Macy’s to meet Santa Claus – in person! I was shaking with excitement for weeks before. I wrote, re-wrote and re-wrote my wish list. I did … Continue reading →

A BALMY DAY   It was a balmy day in New York City, rare for this time of year. It was a springtime treat in December; a welcome respite from the cold and slush of winter; a day cherished by … Continue reading →

THE PANICKED SPIDER   Yeah, yeah, I know I have a bad reputation just because I’m a spider, but I’m damn proud of it! I’m not just any ole spider, but a Brown Recluse or Violin Spider. Okay, I admit … Continue reading →

  CRUELLA DEVILLE (EVERYDAY; EVERYDAY)   They were married for fourteen years. Robert Wood Carvel rued everyone of those years, wishing they never they never happened. He confided to his buddies secretly: “this so-called marriage is three of the happiest … Continue reading →

MAGIC CLOTH   In India, not a single piece of cloth is ever wasted. Volunteers operate recycling centers where any old garments or pieces of cloth are recycled to provide clothing, school bags and, most importantly, sanitary napkins for India’s … Continue reading →

FORTUNE: DANGER   Janacek Cavallas Hurston ate dinner at his favorite restaurant in the Chinese section of San Francisco. He dined there at least twice a week – a habit he had followed the last ten years of his life. … Continue reading →

BUCKYBALL   New York: Touting its new medication’s ability to assist in cessation of unhealthy activity, pharmaceutical giant, Pfizer, unveiled a new medication to help adults cut down on and eventually quit the practice of sitting. “We at Pfizer are … Continue reading →

    HOW TO DISAPPEAR   Worthington Selkirk III went shopping at Barnes and Noble to buy a book he could enjoy during his weekend at the beach. He looked forward to a relaxing time, reading and sunning on the … Continue reading →

    FROZEN   Seventy-two-year-old, Lance Deering McBurney, resided in a fifty-five and over community in the rump state of Florida. Every morning, without fail, for the past ten years, Lance went swimming in the outdoor, Olympic-sized pool. He never … Continue reading →

        Betty Bonasera Billingsly toted her load of dirty clothes to Wendy’s Wash Emporium, as had done every Friday night for the last five years. Nothing exciting ever occurred in her life, let alone in the laundromat, … Continue reading →

    GONE WITH THE WIND   The energy that drives the wind originates with the sun, which heats the Earth unevenly, creating warm spots and cool spots. But is this the true impetus of the winds? My personal preference: … Continue reading →

CHEESE-IT!   Citing the rising cost of major metropolitan sponsorship, officials announced Monday that, effective January 1, 2020, the city once known as Philadelphia, will now be called Velveeta, Pennsylvania. The cream cheese company opted to discontinue its long-held naming … Continue reading →

A REVOLUTIONARY CONCEPT   One of the greatest scientific giants, Russell Donner Pugh, devised an incredibly revolutionary concept. But first a little background information on Dr. Pugh. Russell’s ancestors, save one, died at the Donner Pass, frozen to death. Only … Continue reading →

RED FLAG WARNING   Jameson Portnoy, an old West Virginia red neck, and his buddy Jocelyn ‘Little John’ Staudenmaier lived in a remote cabin that they built together deep in the woods of Northern California. Both were Vietnam vets, severely … Continue reading →

  TOMMY “HURRICANE” JACKSON   A hurricane is a tropical cyclone; a rotating system of clouds; one of nature’s most powerful storms with strong winds, storm surge, heavy rains, flooding, tornados and rip currents. “Hurricane” Jackson fits none of the … Continue reading →

JUDGE NOT, LEST YE BE JUDGED   Vance Dior was very nervous. He was selected to be a judge in a nationally televised beauty contest. There were six other judges, all, like he, associated with the fashion industry. At the … Continue reading →

Come on Baby, Light My Fire   Jedediah I. Finkelsteen (the “I” stands for Ibrahim) lived with his wife, Ileana Inez Finklesteen (maiden name MacDougal). He was in dire need for something, anything, to perk up his unbearably boring existence; … Continue reading →

  WILD BILL   Mumbai “Wild Bill” Santorini suddenly awoke from a deep sleep. He had slept soundly, totally exhausted from a full day of wrangling cattle for Wellington Papeete Dalian, known to all as “Papa”. Papa owned a 4000-acre … Continue reading →

  That’s the Breaks     “Something’s Broken” By Tim McGraw   Could be my ego, could be my pride Or maybe my calm cool collective side Might be my heart comin’ eye to eye With the truth that she … Continue reading →

        BOOK HIM, DAN-O   Once upon a time, there was a massive, whole earth conflagration. A vicious dictator (Adolph Mussolini Idi Amin Dada) arose to rule over the worn-torn earth or what was left of it. … Continue reading →

ONE FOR THE BOOKS   Once upon a time there occurred a mighty, whole-earth conflagration. Most of civilization was destroyed. The earth’s population was a mere half-million survivors! A vicious dictator arose from the ruins to inflict his harsh rule … Continue reading →

  IT’S IDIOMATIC   One man’s interpretation of a few common idiomatic expressions:   1-Bite the bullet – Doctors in olden days had no anesthesia, so they told an injured soldier to bite a bullet, when they were operated on. … Continue reading →

“A LA RESERCHE DU TEMPS PERDUE” (“SEARCH OF TIME LOST”) MARCEL PROUST   Oscar Wilde once wrote, “One’s past is what one is. It is the only way by which people should be judged. There is no such thing as … Continue reading →

    A HIGH SCHOOL DATE   I will never forget my date with Bettina Fesque! All the guys assured me that she was “sexually loose”. After a movie, we returned to Bettina’s house. Her parents weren’t home! She said … Continue reading →