And The Oscar Goes To…

PROMPT: You find a lost manuscript

MONTHLY CHALLENGE: Pacing

I clutched the dust-covered manuscript to my chest, scarcely breathing. Found in the back of a bottom-drawer of an ancient desk I’d been hired to remove from the office of recently-deceased film mogul Jack Warmer, it was a segment of the script for the Academy Awards ceremony of March 1953, eighty years ago. The script—delivered by the previous year’s female winner, Charlene Deetrick, to a national TV audience—covered the nominees for Best Male Actor in a Leading Role.

I was over the moon! If it turned out to be the original script, I knew it would be worth a fortune! Avidly, I began reading.

DEETRICK: [center-stage] And now I’m pleased to present the nominees for this year’s leading performance by a male actor in a leading role, every one of whom I have dallied with...well, never mind that...
[pause as TV camera focuses on audience laughing knowingly]
DEETRICK: The first nominee is the marvellous Clark Grable for his role as Brett Rutter in Passing the Wind, a civil-war saga about flatulence in the ranks of North and South, where his co-star was Olivia deHavahand.
[pause for applause as TV camera focuses on Grable in the audience, gently lifting his posterior with a dreamy look on his face as his seatmates lean away from him]
DEETRICK: Our next nominee is the incredible Cary Pooper for his outstanding performance as Bill Cane in High at Noon, the gripping story of a US Marshal fighting addiction in the old west, supported by his loving fiancée, played by our own Grace Smelly.
[pause for applause as TV camera focuses on Pooper in the audience, who quickly brushes white powder from his nose, sniffs audibly]
DEETRICK: Our third nominee is Jiminy Stuart for his deliberately ass-inine portrayal of a compulsive mooner in the suspenseful Rear In the Window, which also co-starred Miss Smelly.
[pause for applause as TV camera focuses on Stuart who, his back to the camera, appears to be in the throes of pulling down his briefs]
DEETRICK: The fourth nominee is last year’s winner, Humphrey Fogarty, who won for his portrayal of Dick Plain, a gin-joint owner in the acclaimed film Passablanka. He is up this year for his role as a cross-dressing riverboat captain in Africa Queen, starring opposite Katharine Heartburn.
[pause for applause as TV camera focuses on Fogarty who is adjusting the bodice of his crimson gown]
DEETRICK: And our final nominee---also a previous winner for his role as Atticus Pinch, an editor of satiric, comedy scripts in the heralded film To Kill A Mocking Word---is Gregory Dreck. He is nominated this year for his role as James Bradley in Roamin’ Holiday, opposite Audrey Heartburn--- who, I am told, is no relation to Katharine.
[pause for applause as TV camera focuses on Dreck who is staring confusedly between Audrey and Katharine]
DEETRICK: [holding envelope aloft] And the Oscar goes to...
[pause to allow suspense to build, but TV camera suddenly pivots to stage-left where an apparently-homeless hobo is wandering out of the wings]
DEETRICK: Excuse me…excuse me, sir! Who are you? And what are you doing here?
HOBO: I’m Oscar! [points over his shoulder] Somebody backstage told me somebody out here was going to take me home tonight.
[pause as TV camera focuses on audience, some of whom are laughing uncertainly, some of whom are aghast]
DEETRICK: Sir, I’m very sorry, but there’s been a horrible mistake. You’re not the Oscar being taken home tonight.
HOBO: I know, I know…but there’s no mistake. [begins to disrobe, audience gasps in horror, then erupts in laughter as he is revealed to be garbed in formal evening wear under his costume] I’m the world-famous designer, Oscar de LowRenta, and I’m here to present the award to the winner. [pulls famous gold statuette from beneath his jacket]
DEETRICK: Oscar! I’d know you anywhere! I’m wearing you tonight...your gown, that is! Your design! [turns to audience] And the Oscar---the little gold one---goes to...

Alas, the last page of the script was missing! My heart dropped as I realized my treasured plunder did not reveal the winner. Although I think I remember reading in a gossip-column from years ago that Ms. Deetrick took Mr. de LowRenta home afterwards.

Maybe they shared the award.