Tic, Tic, Tic

I have until midnight to decide. I’m conflicted. Deadlines make me nervous. I know that I need deadlines. Without them I usually waste precious time. Let’s see, with 7 more years of expected life, what am I supposed to do with the 3,679,200 minutes I have left. In fact, you could argue that I have already wasted 10 minutes of my life writing up to this point, let alone the 128 minutes I will waste completing this and putting it on the blog for others to waste their time reading it. Yes, I know writing is art and all art is useful. I really should make that Decision.

I wasted another 205 minutes yesterday painting a great blue heron and a tri-colored heron. It was tricky and I learned how to sketch and paint the birds in flight. Pretty nice, but is it worth all that time? Are these little paintings going to bring me a big cash payment by eager art dealers? Will they hang in the Louvre? I don’t think so. I’ve gone and wasted another 3 minutes on this paragraph. I haven’t even factored in lunch and the online duplicate bridge tournament this afternoon. There goes an additional 189 minutes. 

Yes, I suppose this little essay on time is just an excuse to run away from the Decision. Midnight is marching ever closer. Who invented clocks, anyway? Did cavemen walk around with sundials on their wrists making sure they found firewood in the next three hours? Why do modern men need to cram so much into the day? OK. There I go again. I will write a list of pros and cons and make my Decision before midnight. I promise. 

Well, I really needed to get some exercise after all that sitting and duplicate bridge playing online. A walk around the pond on a nice sunny day is really good for you. I’m not sure why, but that’s what they say. I think I did well at bridge- made some good plays and got some master points. What are master points? Well, it’s just some points assigned to your name when you do well. If you get enough of them, you become a “life master”. No, there’s no prize money. In fact, the average Life Master spends $50,000 to get that title with all the hotels, meals, airfare, high priced games, etc. And that was 10 years ago. It’s probably twice that now. So why would anyone waste all that time and money? I guess the same reason people smack little round balls until they drop into tiny holes. 

Yes- back to the Decision. I will write down the pros and cons and that will help me decide. Yes, I know writing things takes twice as long as saying them to yourself- or others. But I tend to forget things, so it really isn’t a waste of time to write it all down. It saves time. Now, where did I last put that pen?

Finally, I can get to it. It’s a good thing I kept a spare pen in my sock drawer. I work better under pressure anyway. I probably shouldn’t have watched the Ravens in that championship game. It was rather stressful, but quite exciting. Let’s see- 11:01 PM- I have 59 minutes to make a Decision.  Pros and cons. The pros are pretty simple. – live longer. Oh, and also I will feel more energy. Modern medicine is wonderful. The cons are a bit scary. I don’t know of anyone who has tried this. I don’t have access to medical journals. There is also a sizable cost. I’ll just pour a glass of Chardonnay. 

Well, I’m glad I added the cheese and crackers. Also, I really couldn’t help watching Colbert live. He was hysterical. So this is it. It’s really going to happen- or not. I’ll flip a coin- I can’t really decide. Heads I say yes- tails I say no. What- where did it roll to. I have to get a flashlight now- it’s really dark under the sofa. 

I’m amazed I found the flashlight on that cluttered workbench. I can’t believe what lives in the private world of Under Sofa. I dragged out a pile of stuff- some of it looks pretty interesting. But I don’t have time now for another coin toss. I’ll run to the computer. It’s almost midnight. 

The internet is so slow. I can’t believe it’s taking so long to load. There, finally. Oh no- I typed the wrong thing. I do not, for sure, want a website for supplemental health insurance. OK- there- it’s finally loading.

The screen lights up with the fateful message “It’s now 12:01 AM and our offer has expired. We are sorry, but you can not be accepted in our trial program for hair loss”. 

I fell silently into my easy chair. My life passed by in flashes, as it should. I had plenty of hair in all those flashbacks. I guess I’m just unlucky. 

On the second glass of Chardonnay I browsed through the debris collected from the Netherworld. I saw it. A coupon. I can get a free wig if I just sign up for wig care. I didn’t think wigs needed care, but hey, that’s ok by me. I want to take care of my wig. Let’s see- redeem by … I can do that. I have til tomorrow at the close of business day. That’s 1,020 minutes from now. No problem. Tic, tic, tic.