Endangered Species

The spot tailed lizard was having a tough day as usual. Cars and huge trucks sped by on both sides of the highway median. He was stuck in his little sand burrow while Congress debated his fate under the Endangered Species Act. Thanks to excellent public relations by the Save the Environment group, Larry had a chance. 

The “Save the Environment” group, SE, was wise to name this little fellow. “Larry” was much more loveable than “the spot tailed lizard”. Larry the Lizard really caught on. The T-shirt sales with Larry wearing a cute western hat and sunglasses was adorable. Sales were incredible and the profits poured into SE. A Congressional delegation visited Larry a couple weeks before the hearing. Photos were taken with the congress persons’ face next to Larry’s hole. Larry ‘s head looked pretty small in the photo op, but many thought Larry was smiling. These images were broadcast around the world. CNN set up a Larry Cam for 24-7 viewing. Millions tuned in. Poems and songs were created for Loveable Larry. It was now time for the hearing in Congress.

Representative Harold Rogers struck the gavel. Winifred Mitchell, president of “Save the Environment” spoke first for Larry. Winifred rose, wearing a Larry T Shirt, of course, to plead for enforcement of the Endangered Species Act. The camera panned in for a closeup.  A tear slowly fell from her right eye as she described the frightened animal’s probable terror he felt as  thousands of cars sped by. There was not a dry eye in the House, literally. 

The Coast to Coast Construction Company president. Jack Ripper, spoke about their attempt to move Larry. When they approached him with shovels Larry fled deep into his sandy den. Jack added- “We could have used a payloader but that would likely have killed Larry”. After a gasp from several Congress persons, Jack added “We considered pumping smoke into the hole to drive him out …. “. Rogers had to order a recess to quell the crowd. Jack was dismissed. Jack left the chamber with a police guard. 

It appeared the only solution to save Larry was to move the highway. It was estimated that the cost would be 1.4 billion dollars. Winifred pleaded “You can’t put a price tag on Larry’s head- or tail for that matter”. The Committee finally recommended the road removal and scheduled it for two weeks later. That would be a happy ending except for the tragic news that was broadcast live on all networks. The banner read “Loveable Larry the Lizard was found dead on the median this morning”. Adults and children paid tribute to the brave reptile in interviews from around the world. 

Larry lay in state in the Rotunda and thousands of citizens came to pay their respects.  Flowers were spread about the shoebox, filled with sand. Larry looked well in his final rest. Unfortunately, however, the autopsy done later revealed a new truth.

Larry apparently died of old age. He was 7 months old, which would be 95 in human years. Many citizens felt betrayed by Larry. After all this time, attention and money spent for a skinny little lizard, citizens felt betrayed. Larry would have died anyway regardless of the public outpouring and support. T-Shirt sales plummeted, Save the Environment was under investigation for fraud and misuse of funds. And the Endangered Species Act would shortly be up for a vote to end it. 

Winifred, president of Save the Environment, under oath, admitted that she did live rather well on her $300,000 salary. But she did plead for saving one last species before the Endangered Species Act was terminated. Representative Rogers sighed- but indulged her. “And what species, pray tell, would you propose that we spend millions of dollars to save now?”

Winifred paused dramatically. The committee members and the public in the room quieted. “We should save homo-sapiens”. The committee adjourned without taking a vote.