Packing Hope

Sitting here on the floor of my closet in front of my empty suitcase for the last hour, I’m not sure what to pack. Maybe I should just fill it until it’s full. That’s ironic considering how empty I feel right now.

After 25 years of marriage, my husband shockingly took off with a younger woman at work. And my two girls are on their own. Katherine the wife, mother and a part-time bookkeeper is gone. So who is Katherine now? Nothing.

But I’m taking this suitcase to Europe for an exciting journey with my oldest and closest friends. Am I’m running away or running towards something? I’m not sure.

Maybe this trip is an escape or could be a rebirth. And then again, it could just be a distraction, a lark to reset and reboot my life having fun seeing some sites that I’ve never seen before. A change of scenery can do me some good. Ambling around this house just reminds me of everything that was and never will be again.

So what should I put in the suitcase? If I only fill it with my hopes and dreams, that will get me arrested for indecency. Or maybe not in Europe, I’m not sure about that. I may need to look that up.

As I gaze into this closet, I see so much of the old Katherine. It’s filled with my uniform of sensible Momwear and office clothes of ballet flats, sneakers, high-neck blouses, pants and jeans with pockets. Nothing fun or whimsical.  

In my 20’s, the girls and I used to go out to clubs dressed for adventure. I had the best club clothes. Spiky high heels and fishnet stockings, short leather skirts, jackets and tons and tons of jewelry: they were fun, trendy and sometimes a little wacky, but always ready for something, just like I was. Looking forward at life, I wanted to explore and experience everything it had to offer. But then life happened and I traded adventure in for a minivan and a reasonable mortgage in the suburbs.

Don’t get me wrong, it was good for a while and now it’s not. That’s done. I’m finished crying hopeless tears for a bygone era, lost to a tight skirt and too much Viagra.

But you know that old phrase about closing the door and opening a new window. That’s what I’m going to do. I’ll open a window on a new life and believe that somewhere with my best girlfriends in Europe, I’m going to find me again, and somehow shine a light on who I want to be. Katherine 2.0. A single woman with I don’t know what career or job.

One thing is crystal clear. Nothing in this closet will do. I need a new look for a new me. I know. I’ll take some essentials and then go shopping in Europe and fill this empty suitcase and my life with whatever, wherever and whoever will make me happy. Hopefully I’ll come home from Europe, full of what my next chapter will be. But today, I hope this journey is what I want, need or both. Viva La Vida!

(c) Suzanne Rudd Hamilton 2023