Protrabane?

I think I read it right. I have apparently won free protrabane. Yes, I was the lucky winner. All I have to do is call the 800 number within 24 hours to claim my prize. The short email notice assured me that this is a special offer. I was selected at random from among 10,000 people. 

I feel rather proud to be selected for this special gift. But I’d better google this protrabane thing to find out exactly what it is before I accept it. What if it’s some exotic, rare animal that requires a special diet of flowers only found in Tibet? I’d feel terrible if I forced him to eat dog food. I’m just not going to Tibet. Sorry fella..

Anyway, google is coming up empty on “protrabane”. I will try a few shots changing a letter or two to see what comes up. Maybe they made a typo. OK, this looks promising. My special prize might be the excrement of a Chilean mountain goat. The excrement is said to possess special powers including a four hour erection but only if you’re interested in goats. Nope. 

Here’s another option. It might be a cold French soup prepared from dandelions and cauliflower grown in the soil of a defunct French vineyard. Due to global warming many of these vineyards are experimenting with bananas and mangoes- but this vineyard is working on cultivating dandelions and cauliflower. Apparently the iron and fermented grapes in the soil gives the soup an earthy, somewhat tart flavor, with overtones of roasted canary and burnt popcorn. No thanks.

Here’s another option- it may be a new fossil fuel discovered in the almost melted Arctic. They have discovered amazing energy potential from a rare and now extinct polar bear that never learned to swim. They stood upright and ate Eskimos- I mean indigenous natives. Sorry about that. It seems that their diet produced an unusually powerful fossil fuel used mostly today for ocean yachting. I don’t have an ocean yacht-  I’ll pass.

Hey, look at this. Changing a couple of letters I came up with an unusual sport. My prize may be a ticket to witness the sport of pretribun played in the jungles of Borneo- oops I mean Malaysia. There are no spectators- everyone plays- and I’ll need a jaguar loin cloth, poison darts and a bag of Tootsie Rolls. The scoring is too complicated for this manuscript but the winner does get to eat another player of his choice. Pass.

I’m getting discouraged. Wait. Here’s something. Phretribane is a new medication for weight loss. Apparently it makes you vomit at the mere thought of food. Even creme brule? I can’t imagine that. Side effects include soiled carpets, dehydration, and hallucinations of Gordon Ramsay spitting out key lime pie. I could stand to lose a few pounds but this appears too extreme. I’d better pass.

Wait, here comes another email … Oh no, it appears that Protrabane is a supplemental health plan for seniors. Joe Namath swears by it and he’ll personally drive me to my  next doctor’s appointment. Alright! Sign me up!