Legal Remedy

We are lucky to be living in modern times where laws are designed to protect innocent citizens. But sometimes the rules or lack of them can be a problem. I offer the following example. I know, you’ll say “It’s only a cardboard boat race- where’s the damage”. But it’s the principle of the thing. If unscrupulous managers of the race create an impossible situation where every boat sinks, where will it end? Before you know it, we will be living in a country where toilet paper is rationed and you have to have shots every few months to avoid disease. Well, yes, that’s already here but it could get even worse without laws. We need cardboard boat racing laws, people!

We were given only an hour to build  the boat. How can we build a boat without a coffee break and lunch hour? Cardboard boat builders need to unionize and get some benefits. We even had to put together our own cardboard cutters. Unionized cutter assembly personnel could do the job right. 

Safety is also a concern. Can old people running around with box cutters be truly safe? We also were not supplied with safety glasses, helmets or Reese’s peanut butter cups which are clearly required under OSHA safety rules. 

Then there’s the product defect. The 4X8 foot cardboard provided was pre-folded in half by the manufacturer. What do you think will happen when a 175 pound adult puts his or her butt on this pre folded weak point? Right … down you go. 

The sound system was also a factor. When our team’s rower reached the end of the lane having no loudspeaker we yelled “Come back- finish the lap” but he couldn’t hear us over the laughter of the spectators. He actually stopped to chat with them. Maybe he was placing his drink order at Flip Flops. Even one drink can impair performance. Any impairment due to adult beverages should be covered under the Americans with Disabilities Act. He should be given proper accommodations such as a motorized boat, an Uber driver or a helper seal. 

There may be a discrimination case here too. The announcer repeatedly mispronounced the name of our boat. The correct name for our fine vessel was “Zaphod Beetlebrox”. I know, it’s a mouthful but announcing it as “Zippo Meetlebug”. Is offensive to aliens throughout the galaxy. Also, how can we expect to increase alien tourism in Florida when we can’t pronounce a common name correctly? 

I can see this case being pursued all the way to the Supreme Court. Clarence Thomas may have to recuse himself since he has had some issues with yachts and resorts. Still, I fear the court will side with Pelican Preserve management and decide that states, cities, and senior citizen communities have the right to do whatever they want. After all, the courts approved ax throwing contests in bars. The courts will likely decide it’s the individual’s right to sink or swim. This is America!

I guess there really isn’t any legal recourse.  So, sign up now for next year’s cardboard boat race. Decorate the oars with box cutters tapped to the ends. Hey, accidents happen in a free country. The race winner can kick off the ax throwing contest afterward at Flip Flops.