Irreconcilable Differences

Louis was very independent. He tolerated people but he was careful to avoid any intimacy. People were too emotional and unpredictable. They also were too demanding. They want to control your life. Even Louis’ new  roommate, Harold, had all of these unfortunate annoying qualities. Still, the two of them somehow managed to co-exist for three years without any major meltdowns. 

Here they were again in their regular Monday night routine- watching “America’s Funniest Videos”. They sat silently together on the sofa watching people do stupid things. Louis showed no emotion but just stared blankly at the screen. He tried to avoid showing the slightest pleasure as this might encourage Harold to think they were bonding. Louis knew that would soon lead to even more attempts to control him- he might even have to accompany Harold to various activities. They really had nothing in common- Harold’s activities would be a big bore. 

Louis struggled to maintain his expressionless gaze though he found the show was amusing actually. Some dog got his head stuck in a can and he was running around barking and bumping into furniture. That was actually hilarious. Louis thought- “Careful, don’t smile- no emotion”. After the show, in keeping with his routine, Harold grabbed his cane and tapped his way over to the corner to retrieve his guitar from its stand. He sat in a chair and proceeded to play his usual repertoire. 

Louis closed his eyes and pretended to sleep on the sofa. He realized Harold couldn’t actually see him, so he threw in a few light snores. Finally, the finale arrived- “Oh, Suzzanna ”. Louis speculated for a moment- “I wonder why she cried when the idiot played his banjo and left her to go to Alabama”. Louis suspected Suzzanna fled from the guy because she hated the bad banjo playing as much as Louis hated Harold’s bad guitar playing. Suzanna had finally gotten rid of him- I don’t think she’d cry about it”.

Harold tapped his way over to the sofa. He leaned over, touched Louis’ shoulder and whispered- “I know you were abandoned after a terrible fire and it’s hard to trust anyone- but it’s been three years. Could you try harder in this relationship?”. Louis would have smiled if he could. Louis thought “The fire was not an accident, stupid. I couldn’t stand being told what and when to eat. I was tired of confinement”. I had to kill to be free. The fire was deemed an accident. According to the fire marshal’s report the cat, who miraculously escaped, accidentally tipped over a portable heater and his owner went up in flames. Harold had heard the sad story at the kennel and he agreed to rescue poor Louis. 

Disinterested in Harold’s bonding attempts, Louis got up and walked away to sleep alone in his bed. Harold shook his head and tapped his way to the kitchen. He opened a can of tuna for Louis’ breakfast. Harold mixed a small amount of powder from an envelope he took out of his pocket and sprinkled it over the tuna. “He likes tuna. It’ll be a very good last meal”.

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The fireman gave a final spray over the smoldering ashes. The chief talked to a policeman as they began to roll up the hoses. “It was apparently an accident. The portable heater was tipped over by the cat, setting the house on fire. After a closer examination the fire marshall had a different story. After careful examination of the crime scene, it was determined that the can of tuna had residues of poison. Furthermore, the space heater was adjacent to a guitar and several pages of torn music sheets that were found next to the heater.  The ruling should be “double murder”. The cat was poisoned and in a moment of revenge, the cat dragged the guitar over, tore up some music sheets for an accelerant.  Then he tipped over the portable heater just before expiring from the poison”.

The marshall recovered the corner of one of the music sheets that did not burn completely. The few words read “… don’t you cry for me”. The marshall smiled. It was the most unusual arson case of his career. However, knowing how people love their pets he decided nobody would accept his conclusion. The fire was ruled “accidental- the kind owner and his beloved cat perished”.