We Are Not Alone

Avi Loeb was soon to come to the podium to present the biggest news in this or any century. CNN had been broadcasting live drone shots of Avi driving about Boston for the last couple hours. He apparently had a doctor’s visit at a nearby clinic and stopped at CVS afterward before driving slowly to the press conference at Harvard’s Astrophysics Laboratory. A panel of experts discussed the meaning of Avi’s travels. It was the consensus that Avi was likely purchasing medications which will prevent contamination by the alien. People travelling on the roads nearby were urged to mask and to go home and shelter in place for the rest of the day as a precaution. 

Finally Avi entered the small auditorium. Cameras clicked and the throng of 200 reporters from all over the globe shouted questions in various languages. “I’m sorry I’m a bit late ladies and gentleman. I had to pick up my hair loss prescription. It’s important to look our best since we are clearly the object of observation by interstellar travelers”. A gasp rose from the reporters. Pens furiously rushed across open pads and cameras broadcast the historic announcement worldwide.

For the next hour, all the world stood still as Avi carefully explained his team’s findings. Although the comet struck off the coast of Papua New Guinea in 2014, the presence of alien forces was not confirmed until now. Through the efforts of the Harvard Astrophysics lab, the Smithsonian Aerospace department and the newly formed Space Command, scientists have confirmed life beyond earth. 

The discovery, like most, was somewhat accidental. Files are kept indicating all near misses and strikes by various space debris. Most of the time it’s junk from our own satellites and rockets plunging back to Earth. Technicians record all of this data in order to look for patterns that might suggest further investigation. A janitor sweeping up late one night found a page of handwritten notes that had slipped under a desk. He placed it on the desk and the next day the technician investigated the sighting. Through various sources it was found that the object that landed just offshore from New Guinea in 2014 was traveling at twice the normal speed.

After some negotiations and the generous funding of a wealthy contributor, an expedition was launched early this year.  Sleds loaded with magnets were dragged about the ocean floor and 700 pieces of unidentified minerals were discovered. The minerals in question have been studied in several laboratories and all agree that the tiny space materials were an alloy of berryllium, lanthumm and uranium- never before seen on Earth, the moon or Mars. It appears this came from another solar system. Avi concluded-”This is the first known disccovery of interstellar life”.  

Wolf jumped on his chair and screamed- “I thought these objects were pieces of metal- not iving things”. Everyone was shocked at Wolf’s bold move- he normally is so reserved and polite. But these troubled times drove him to channel (pardon the pun) Fox News. Avi replied- “Yes, but the objects were quite spherical and very shiny- apparently manufactured. Furthermore, we have concluded that the vessel and crew that brought them here were likely burned up as they entered our atmosphere”. 

Well, chaos spread throughout the world as you would expect. Nobody even cared about the four Trump trials. He was knocked off the news and he was not pleased. He speculated- “This whole alien thing is a hoax and a witch hunt by Harvard liberals designed to interfere with my glorious return to power”. Avi challenged Trump to a debate on space alloys- but Trump declined citing a need to supervise the finishing of the Wall noting “These aliens will surely come across the Mexican border”. 

Others joined in for a moment of air time. Margery put it simply- “Lock them up, of course”. Bernie talked about putting safety signs up to warn aliens they might be burned up in our atmosphere- adding “At least we should offer them free health care”.  Even Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream honored the event with a new flavor- “Alien Angst”. It contained the usual mix of exotic foods and flavors- Andes apples, African ants, Chilean cantaloupe and Finish FIr bark crumble. Of course it doesn’t matter what’s in it – it’s all about the cool name and the cute alien drawn for the carton. 

Everyone was excited about meeting our new neighbors soon. Some were eager- offering free: lunches, massages, haircuts if they have hair and a fifth night free at nice resorts. Some were fearful though suggesting we triple AR 15 production and arm all ARA members with grenade launchers. Nobody even asked about the outcome of the four Trump trials. This was serious stuff.

It was little Johnny McCarver, a third grade student at Maryville Elementary School in Schoharie New York that finally solved the mystery. He wrote an essay which was sent by his teacher, Mary Louise Fillmore, to the local weekly paper- the “Hog and Dairy News”. Within a few days the article made it to the front page of the NY TImes. In essence, Johnny simply stated “These space things are seeds- just plant them”. 

Sure enough, six months later they appear to be growing nicely in every corner of the Earth. The flowers are big and beautiful and they adorn nearly every home and business on the planet.  Some say they grow better if you talk to them. Others sing to them and they swear the plants hum a little as they sing. It was really nice of the aliens to send flowers. It was too bad the aliens burned up but at least we got some flowers. Maybe they’ll be more careful on the next re-entry. Unfortunately these magnificent fast growing plants appear to require a great deal of oxygen. Maybe our new neighbors will arrive soon with horticultural advice.