America On Top Again

It was an amazing sight. There, standing at the top of the world, was Brad Pitt- perhaps the greatest American actor since Clark Gable. He proudly waved the American flag for the world to see. His camera crew and sherpas stood respectfully below him, of course, unable to share the peak. What a sight to bring cheer and joy to a troubled world.

OK, I have to admit that he made this dangerous climb because he was bored and unemployed due to the writers’ and actors’ strike here in good old America. But give him some credit. At least he tried to entertain us in our hour of need. We all have run out of Brit Box reruns. Thank you Brad for stepping up. 

Brad announced his plans just a month ago. Twitter was abuzz. Yes, I know it’s changed to “X” now but it will remain “Twitter” in our hearts and minds forever. “X” sounds like a disease or a spot to find treasure. Anyway, Twitter and politics are the only entertainment we have since the writers’ and actors’ strike began. We need this.

Brad has offered us a rescue plan to help us escape from our entertainment desert. His posts before, during and after the climb should earn him an oscar nomination. Since he’s the only one working- he’ll be a shoe-in for that oscar. At each posting he offered several lines from his past hit movies: Bullet Train, Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, Fury, Moneyball and Ocean’s Eleven, Ocean’s 12 and Ocean’s 13. He should have earned an oscar for each of these fine films, but at last he will be recognized for putting all of them together in one fine film. 

Brad even gave us a peak into his next project- Mountain Mania. Be afraid, Clark Gable. He may also do a short-subject film about life in a Tibetan jail since he climbed without a permit. What did they expect? There was only a few month’s window before the strike was likely to end. There was no time for silly permits.

I guess I will have to tell you the rest of the story as it will come out anyway in the gossip columns. Brad did not go up with just a few film guys. He did include his makeup team, costume designer, hair stylist, publicist, dental hygienist, nose hair clipist and massage therapist in the two week climb. Before you get angry at this- don’t forget he did it for us. He’s an American hero and he is entitled to a few indulgences. Don’t attack him, please.

You won’t find this information elsewhere and certainly not in any American papers. I’m saddened to report that there was some collateral damage in the climb. Our thoughts and prayers go out to the families of the thirteen sherpas who died carrying Brad and his team over several dangerous crevasses. Happily, the gear was all saved. There was no loss of filming equipment, makeup, costumes, mouthwash or massage oils. The sherpa sacrifices will be recognized in Brad’s aforementioned new movie- Mountain Mania. A suitable “In memoria” announcement will be made in the credits. I understand Brad will soon petition the Tibet government to rename the famous mountain- Mount Everpit. I see some deodorant commercials here. 

Here’s hoping the strike will end soon so that we can drop the fear-hate-separate  thing in our politics and stop our rush to abandon democracy. I can’t wait to get back to our normal American diversions- mindless, self serving, high calorie, flavorful and delicious entertainment. Thank you Brad for restoring America’s greatness. You deserve to go to the White House and get the Medal of Honor- or at least a chance to film in the Situation Room where you can promote Mountain Mania.