Fairyland TV News

“Welcome to the Fairyland 6 o’clock news. I’m Peter Pumpkin Eater, and here is what’s breaking as we speak. A tragic series of events occurred this afternoon involving Mr. Mouse and a clock. For more, let’s go to Henny Penny, who is speaking with Mr. Mouse.”

“Thanks, Peter. I’m here at the home where the alleged incident occurred. Mr. Mouse, please describe to our viewers the events that led up to your actions.”

“I’d be happy to, Ms. Penny. My blind cousins, Hickory, Dickory, and Doc, were doing their best to reach the other side of the kitchen. I mentioned they were blind, right? From out of nowhere, a deranged woman with a carving knife, I think she’s the farmer’s wife, races over and cuts off their tails. It was ghastly, just ghastly, Ms. Henny!”

“I can only imagine, Mr. Mouse. What did you do after witnessing this?”

“I did the only thing I could do, Ms. Henny. I ran up the enormous grandfather clock. When it struck twelve, I crapped and peed all over it. Then I ran back down the other side, staying well away from the bitch with the knife. Seriously, what else was I supposed to do?”

“Well, there you have it, listeners. Back to you Peter.”

“Great job, as always, Henny. Now, from the other side of the farm, Chicken Little and Foxy Loxy are engaged in a fierce debate. Reporting on the opposing views is Huckleberry Hound.”

“Peter, this debate has been going on for some time now. Chicken Little claims to have proof that the sky is falling. Foxy Loxy is attempting to prove her wrong. Foxy is pointing to an acorn that has fallen from a tree where Chicken Little was picnicking. He’s telling her it was the acorn and not the sky that hit her on the head.

Refusing to accept his explanation, Chicken Little replies, “If the sky’s not falling, then how did the cow jump over the moon?”

Foxy’s response, “It wasn’t the moon, you dumb cluck. It was a watermelon.”

“Well, Peter, as you can see, they are at an impasse with no resolution in sight. Back to you.”

“You’re right, Huck. That’s a tough one. Now let’s go to our local hospital for a follow-up on a story we brought you yesterday. Cheshire, what do you have for us?”

“As you know, Peter, there was an old woman that swallowed a fly. Why she swallowed the fly, no one knows. Then she had a hair-brained idea to swallow a spider that wiggled and jiggled and tickled inside her. They admitted her into the hospital after swallowing the spider as a precautionary measure, not knowing what species of spider it was. Somehow, she has got her hands on a bird and swallowed it. The old woman claims she swallowed the bird to catch the spider, which she swallowed to catch the fly. This is totally absurd. Perhaps she’ll die. Peter!”

“Thank you, Cheshire. Perhaps she’ll die, indeed. Now, it’s time for our final story of the evening. It appears Little Bo-Peep has lost her sheep. She admitted to neglecting her duties and fell asleep while tending them. In her defense, she claimed to be kept awake by a noisy old barn owl hooting all night. Authorities suspect foul play because sheep’s tails have been found left to dry on a fence at the edge of town. We’ll keep you posted if there are any further developments.”

The microphones pick up a loud commotion happening just off camera. Three policemen enter the studio.

“Peter Pumpkin Eater, you’re under arrest.”

“You three pigs can’t arrest me. What are the charges?”

“Enslavement! You have a wife but may not keep her in a pumpkin shell because she wants to leave you.”