Ronald Duck- The Pre-Quill

The judge stepped into the courtroom and hammered his gavel with unusual force. This was a difficult case but he had little choice. “Will Ronald Duck please rise”. Ronald did so but it was difficult to see him rise due to his short stature. His attorney Walt Misery assured the judge Ronald was indeed standing in his chair.

The three nephews remain seated behind Ronald. Gooey, Flewey, and Cluey whispered excitedly. They knew the decision was at hand. The judge spoke- “Ronald, you have shown compassion for your orphaned nephews. It was indeed unfortunate that your sister Maisey Duck was killed by police in a raid at her home. Apparently they interpreted her loud quack as a gunshot when they accidentally broke into the wrong house while conducting a drug raid”.

“SInce you are the only living relative to take custody of these unfortunate orphaned ducks, I must grant you sole custody. However, I am not impressed by your failure to find steady employment, your spendthrift behavior, your inability to find a suitable mate, and your transient living style. I therefore order you to live under the supervision of your Uncle Scourge. I understand he is a man of considerable wealth. He appears quite able to provide employment for you and travel to educate these young ducks”.

As Ronald and his three nephews exited the courthouse, a large black limo pulled up. Scourge McDuck stuck his head out the window and yelled- “Quickly- get in- the Eagle gang is probably following me”. 

Ronald and his little ones quickly got used to an affluent  lifestyle. They ordered extravagant meals from Grub Hub, expensive leather vests with real gold trim (they never wear pants as you know) and exciting video games such as Grand Theft Duck Eggs. The boys ordered glam-camping gear for scouting trips. This included sleep number beds and refrigerators stocked with Ben and Jerry ice cream. Ronald ordered a special bowtie with a large diamond at the center and flashing red lights; he figured this would close the deal with his latest flame- Crazie Duck. It was apparent to Scourge that he must take firm charge of his family.

Uncle Scourge’s new family joined in for the daily dives into the money bin. Anxious about the security of paper money, Uncle Scourge explained he only did his business with cash- coins at that. Paper money fluctuated too much in value. Coins had ample silver and other valuable minerals. “Cash is also hard to trace” he mumbled as he did a backstroke through the surface of the money bin. 

Normally secretive about his business dealings, Uncle Scourge finally was forced to have a business meeting with Ronald and the little ones. He tapped his cane on his huge mahogany desk as a call to order. “Boys- that includes you Ronald, I will tell you now how I have acquired all the wealth you see in my magnificent money bin. You need to know this because you will be working for me from now on”. Scourge paused for dramatic effect. “I launder money”. Gooey raised his hand and asked “What detergent do you use?”. Scourge shook his head- “No, no. The money isn’t really dirty except in a metaphorical sense. I gather money from all over the world. Other people want me to hold it for a while. I invest it in fake shell companies and send it back to them as clean money”. Ronald raised his hand- “What kind of shells do you own in your companies?”.  Scourge lost a few feathers shaking his head- “Never mind Ronald”. 

Scourge explained some of the international trade markets and how the money flows across various banking systems. Ronald just quietly quacked a few notes that sounded like a version of “Row, Row, Row Your Boat”. Scourge glanced with some pride at his great nephews who were taking notes and computing current exchange rates in Bulgaria. 

It was decided that day. The Scourge McDuck family business would be a huge success. Ronald and the boys were dispatched that day to a so-called “coffee plantation” in New Guinea. They will be on many adventures and the boys promised to keep Ronald in line.