MOWGA

The crowd of journalists and the curious are buzzing in excited anticipation of the news conference. Wolf is on the scene near the podium. He turns to the camera and comes into living rooms across America and around the World. Wolf speaks in hushed tones- “Celia Doomsday, if that’s her real name, is about to step up to the podium and announce a groundbreaking civil suit”. Here she comes.

Celia steps to the podium wearing her signature long black dress. Celia looks into the camera- “Thank you all for coming. We are here to address a long standing grievance and injustice.”

She began- “Wiccans across the land have suffered enough humiliation and pain from uptight white politicians who seek to defame us. We witches refuse to be blamed for their failings and faults.  We will not be blamed for their election losses, hair loss or penis size loss. Today we see our movement and our very identity challenged daily by politicians. We are tired of being defamed. We witches are fighting back with a 2.4 billion dollar lawsuit seeking punitive damages.

“We also seek to stop all politicians from using the words ‘witch hunt’. First the term implies that we don’t exist. I am a witch but am I not real? Do I not bleed? Am I not capable of plagiarism?” She goes on “Second, it implies that we infect others with frivolous minor character defects and problems. Yes we can do a few magic tricks and throw a curse or two but that’s just show biz. We are serious and committed to our ultimate savior- Satan-  who can not be with us today due to a schedule conflict. I believe he is tied up with some Putin business. And third- we object to the word ‘hunt’ being at all associated with witches. Really, when was the last time you saw a witch with an automatic rifle shooting Bambi in the woods”? Several hands are raised immediately. “No, no- the NRA is a separate Satan operation. We witches are anti-guns. We prefer poisons, possessions and transformations”.

She continued after a dramatic pause- “Along with the lawsuit, I want to take the opportunity to announce that I am today, formally throwing … pausing, with a slight chuckle, … my pointed hat into the ring. I will be a candidate for President in both parties. I know most people think I am a longshot but consider that I have already brought such delights to our citizens as adult beverages, promiscuity, gambling and women’s professional roller derby. The list is long. I represent immediate and personal gratification- that’s what the electorate really wants”. 

The crowd exploded with shouts and questions. “I’ll start with Wolf- if that’s your real name” (laughter). Wolf queries- “About that lawsuit- what if you call the ex president to the stand- won’t he just make witch hunt jokes?” … “Wolf, Wolf. You haven’t been following the MOWGA newsletters. If you had, you would know that the Make Our Witches Great Again movement is huge. You’d also know that we can handle such mocking. I would suggest to you if that court appearance you described deteriorated into assaults on our movement through mockery and verbal abuse, there would be a toad sitting in the witness chair”. The crowd gasped. 

Wolf, being the excellent reporter he is pressed on. “Why a toad? Couldn’t you just make him into a headless Ken doll”? … “Very good, Wolf. I like your creativity. I’ll discuss signing you up for our team later. We looked at many options but came up with a toad since they are considered to be fairly friendly, harmless and a little cute in a reptilian way. Also we have standards at MOWGA. There’s no need to be gross. We have an excellent marketing team. Trust me. The toad works”.

Wolf persisted- “One more question. Who’s paying for your campaign”. … “That’s pretty easy, Wolf. I bet we will qualify for the debates in both parties by the end of the day. Please folks, call SATAN NOW and donate as much as you can and much more. You know- that we know- who you are and what you want”.

With that, Celica smiled and waved to the audience, pausing to kiss a few babies near the exit. A stunned and almost speechless Wolf re-enters our living rooms in the United States and around the world- “The election won’t even be close”. He then threw down the microphone and hurried off to the exit door and his job interview.