Win Big- Buy Your Ticket Now

I never played Lotto before, but in my advancing age, I have found it compelling. Sure, it’s a sucker’s game- “the house always wins”. But what else do I have to look forward to? After all, it’s past the fourth quarter- I’m in overtime technically by current longevity statistics. If I won the grand prize I’m sure I’d make a whole lot of new friends with millions in the bank and my face posted on all the news shows. Can you imagine the size of my funeral? I really don’t know what I would do if I won. I already bought the high, comfort seat toilet and a lifetime subscription to AARP. What else do I need? Maybe I could get a solar powered wheelchair. I’ll just walk over to the Lotto counter for my weekly ticket. 

“I’d like my usual Tri-fecta Package please”. Marylou stared into my eyes then checked my blood pressure and asked me to read this week’s health safety pamphlet. I was prepared for this. There were a few deaths recently with Lotto winners so I guess I can see the need for safety. Poor Melvin Barstool of Hondo, Montana was the latest death. But the exact cause of death was uncertain. It was reported that Melvin screamed “I won! I won!” as he ran into the street in front of a Senior Tour Bus. Yes, I see the irony there, but really- can you blame the ticket or Melvin?

After reading the medical pamphlet I returned to the counter and correctly answered the three questions on this week’s topic- “The Dangers of Mixing Caffeine and Heroin”. They were pretty easy questions but I still wanted to get my usual perfect score. Marylou beamed as if I had just won Jeopardy. “I’m glad you got that trick question right”.- “True or false- caffeine is better for preventing hair loss and penis shrinkage than heroin. You said false since you knew they both worked equally well. It was a trick question”. The nice lady smiled, took my credit card, tapped a few keys on her computer and handed me the Gold, Silver and Bronze Star Lotto tickets. 

My fingernail paused over the Gold Star. I checked my smartphone. It was 9:12 AM, September 12th. It’s important to remember the exact time your life was changed. Scratch, scratch. The dreaded word emerged- “Sorry”. Then I quickly scratched off the consolation prize line. “You’ve won a bottle of Metamucil”. 

I sighed, and attacked the Silver Star ticket. Maybe this will be the big one. It’s 9:13 AM. Then it happened again- “Sorry”. I scratched the consolation prize line. “You’ve won a vaccine of your choice”. Really. 

Last chance. Go for the Bronze! I’m hopeful that I will win a big prize. It’s 9:15 AM. Scratch, scratch. “Congratulations! You’ve won a free Prostate Biopsy!”. I’ve been buying these tickets for six months now and I finally have won a big prize. I smiled and presented the winning ticket to the receptionist. She smiled too- “That’s wonderful Mr. Merriweather. I know you’ve been trying for this prize for several months. I’ll let your doctor know so he can schedule the biopsy. And maybe you’ll win that hearing aid next week”. I looked puzzled and replied- “What?”. She was about to repeat herself then chuckled. “You still have your sense of humor Mr. Merriweather- that may keep you around for another year- see you next week”. She paused then continued- “Next week you’ll actually see the nurse and the week after- you’ll see the doctor for a few minutes. I’m glad you are monitoring your hair loss, rotator cuff, meniscus, toenail fungus and age spots. You can’t be too careful”. 

I have a slight feeling of guilt for coming in for weekly appointments but that guilt quickly evaporated when I did the math. Let’s see a Medicare charge of say $60 for an office visit- times 52- results in a government payout to the doctor’s office of $3,120 per year. With 200 of my fellow near indigents- that yields a tidy annual income stream for the office of $624,000. And that doesn’t include all the X rays and lab workups. Private Insurance for the other 80% of his patients yields the real profit of course. But still, we old guys pay our way- or Medicare does, I should say.

Marylou reached into her draw and pulled out my weekly coupon- a free Blueberry-Mango Mocha Grande at Starbucks. I accepted it gratefully, noting “I will buy the cheese Danish since the coffee is free. I’ll save half of the Danish for you”. Rosalee sighed- “Oh Mr. Merriweather you do know the way to a girl’s heart”.  Exiting the office with my Metamucil, vaccine coupon and prostate biopsy appointment card- I walked past the doctor’s Lamborghini near the front door. His bumper stickers say it all- “”Get it Up- with Erectall”, “Play Medical Lotto- Win Big”, and “Doctors Vote”.  Our free enterprise health care is clearly the best in the world.