The Dreaded Course

I have just completed the AARP online driving course. They should have a warning label attached to it- “Do not attempt to drive after completing this course for at least 24 hours due to the side effects of this course which include: dry mouth, extreme fatigue, blurry vision, fear of school buses and impotence”. Soon, like childbirth and other traumas- this will be repressed nicely in the deep recesses of my mind. It will rarely re-emerge except in the occasional nightmare. 

Luckily these courses are all online now. I do miss the in-person classes a bit though. It helps to look the other prisoners in the eye. With a slight nod, we can communicate our helpless despair. I could also feel sorry for those poor infirmed men and women who can barely struggle to their seat with various crutches, wheelchairs and helping animals. Many look like this course might be their last official act on earth. Of course, I don’t know how I might appear to them. But that’s another story. 

Taking the course online has many benefits- such as having the option to: take the class naked; drink adult beverages as needed; curse loudly and often at the drivers/actors in the various videos; and go for a “quicky” during one of the three minute clips. This later benefit is difficult though since having to learn the causes for 12 different kinds of tire wear can be a big “mood breaker”. 

Besides having to download far more information about tire wear than I want or could ever use- another negative about this online course is the need to identify that I am who I claim to be at 30 different times during the 6 hour ordeal. They know I could pay someone to take the course for me but they would would have to have the same typing stroke as me each time I have to type “AARP driving safety course”. I guess each person has a unique typing style- a kind of fingerprint. 

I would add another negative. The course tends to create anxiety about driving which you probably didn’t have going into it. Their basic advice to seniors is clear- avoid night driving, heavy traffic, snow, rain, ice, cloudy weather and any street that might have a child near the road. And God forbid- avoid all left turns. A third of all accidents for seniors involve left turns. The other two thirds fall into the general category of turning on the car and leaving the driveway. 

I am happy to report to you, Dear Reader, that I passed the course with an 87%. Now I will confess that this score does not reflect superior intelligence as most of the questions were obvious. For example, true or false- “It is a good idea to follow closely behind speeding fire engines blasting your horn and flashing your headlights to alert other drivers”. I know, you think that might be a trick question- you’ve done it yourself. However, the answer was “false”- I got that one. 

Or how about-true or false, “You should walk around your car before driving – checking your tires for uneven wear, bald spots, edge wear, center wear, spotty wear, cracks and debris in the treads and slight degradation of the coloring”. Your instinct would be to say false- who has 30 minutes to inspect tires every time you travel. Besides- I can’t see the part of the tire that is on the road. Am I supposed to jack the car up? That’s going to take another hour or so. I’ll never get out of the driveway at this rate. Perhaps that’s their point. But having listened to the half hour tire wear section of the course- it’s clear the course directors have a serious mental disorder and they have been traumatized by tires as a youth. So you’d better answer “true” if you want to get at least an 87% grade.

Just when you think you’ve finished this ordeal at the end of hour six of the AARP driver safety program- you will be greeted by several more pages of questions promoted by the NYS Motor Vehicles Department. They have ten more true-false questions for you. It turns out these are taken from the questions you’ve already answered. I guess they want to see if you are still paying attention after the six hour endurance test. I expected something new like “True or false- It’s a good idea to send a contribution to the governor’s re-election campaign next fall”.

Anyway, after filling out a few more pages- it looks like my certificate of completion will be in the mail. I declined speedy delivery. For an additional $75, Hans will deliver the certificate to my door along with a pizza. No thanks. However, if Greta made the trip … hmmm. I wonder why they didn’t offer that service. I wonder if they determined I was likely to be gay by my typing stroke or maybe I looked a little too long at Bob the mechanic pointing out tire wear. Oh well- it’s best not to know your true self anyway- that would be way more than anyone could handle. 

It’s been about 24 hours since my ordeal at AARP ended. It’s safe to drive now.  I’m just going to get in the car without checking the tires, rev up the old engine without checking fluid levels and drive randomly about the neighborhood taking left turns. I refuse to be intimidated.