Mid-Year Resolutions

New Year’s resolutions are an utter failure. Before you stop reading this in anticipation of a soul crushing attack on weak willed humans, consider this- perhaps it’s OK to start off the year with lofty goals, but reset these to more modest and achievable ones at midyear. At least we will have some hope of redemption in the final half of the year. After you have failed to achieve your high expectations at the beginning of the year- like lose 30 pounds, run a real marathon, win a golf tournament and achieve world peace- you can look at modest achievable mid-year resolutions. Let’s start with fitness- I will …

-Walk briskly every day to the mailbox even on Sunday

-Sprint to the bathroom even when I don’t have diarrhea 

-Bend over and tie my shoes instead of jamming my feet into them

-Sit up straight for fifteen minutes a day

-Join a low impact sport like chess or bridge 

These are achievable goals, though you should start slowly and build up to them in order to insure success. You might want to modify these to fit your lifestyle. For example, you might continue to drive to your mailbox for two or three days per week initially. 

The next area for improvement is equally important-  mental exercise. Some of you already work on this. Wordle is quite popular now and it is becoming close to an addiction for many so I would broaden your resolutions to include other areas of mental exercise. I will resolve to …

-Do math each day- count the number of days I have left to live based 

upon life expectancy rates for my age; work fast if the number is single digit

-Read- start with the comics each day, working up to the sports page

-Learn a phrase in six languages like- “Where’s the bathroom?”

-Pose a deep question for your spouse- “Why do you get fatter each year?”

-Paint a picture- no stick figures with middle finger raised- I’ve got a copyright

Don’t forget- start slowly and modify them. For example, you can learn another phrase in six languages like- “Why do you smell funny?”. Foreigners appreciate it when you try to speak their language. 

Finally- we should resolve to eat healthier. If we “are what we eat”- we are in a sorry state. Just like watering down the college board standards and eliminating grades in school is a way of looking away from our academic decline- we have now lowered our standard for weight and body size. I don’t know if “Johnny is a pleasure in class” in our current ungraded elementary schools- is an A or a B. Similarly, if I can fit into a size 38 pants am I average? Sadly, today’s size 38 was yesterday’s 42. Face it- our food is fast, but not good no matter how we try to fool ourselves. So, for the rest of this year I will …

– Eat only at the table- not while driving, walking, channel surfing, sleeping

– Use only a small dessert plate for all meals- don’t cheat- one plate, not two

– Eat only organic ice cream, three times a day

– Eat more vegetables- at least one bean per meal

– Eat slowly- taking at least a three second pause between bites

You might argue that most of your meals are fast food.  Slowly lower the number of meals out of the house from your usual 14 per week to only 3 or 4 per week by year’s end. You might also have to move from a super sized Happy Meal at McDonalds to a cup of yogurt and a spoonful of almonds at Panera. . 

Some of you daring readers may have already shifted to synthetic meats or an insect protein diet. I applaud your efforts but I fear you are aiming too high too soon. At some point soon you will collapse into an eating frenzy. People will shake their heads in pity as they see you sitting on the floor of aisle seven- stuffing your face with candy bars, cookies, potato chips and an Atkins bar. Who are you kidding? You can’t erase your sins with an Atkins bar. 

There you have it. I am getting ready for July first- the Real Resolutions Day. I hope it becomes a national holiday soon. Keep it modest. Just reading this passage should improve the quality of your life and add at least 23 seconds to your lifespan. I will now write my new and revised mid-year resolutions- as soon as I can find my pen, move the bag of chips from my lap and raise myself from a semi-prone position in my recliner. 

Never mind- I’ll start the list tomorrow, if it’s not a holiday, Sunday or National Chipmunk week.