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I spotted the tiny flashing red light on the third shelf between “Macbeth” and “Me Talk Pretty One Day”. I wondered how Mary came to this mysterious pairing. I smiled and shouted out to Mary, working in the kitchen-  “You are right Mary. Shakespeare and Sedaris are linked by tragedy- murder and suicide and by having very dysfunctional families”. She took the compliment well “Thank you Marvin”. Mary turned out to be quite clever. She also moved the surveillance camera on the shelf to get a better view of the hall entranceway. Mary has begun to put her own stamp on the place I see. I walked into the hallway leading to the kitchen. A soft light flicked on as I approached. My usual mix of jazz wafted through the delicious smelling air. The usual mix was supplemented by some New Age tunes I believe. Mary is experimenting, trying to expand my musical tastes.

Mary was dressed a low cut, clinging tan colored cashmere blouse. She turned and smiled her usual coquettish smile. She purred- “I have prepared your favorites”. The beef Wellington was a perfect medium rare. The sex on the kitchen table was also perfect. Mary leaned forward while my flaccid member rested inside her. She gave it a nice hug then whispered breathlessly- “Francine has been programmed to pleasure you in some new ways”. 

I was shocked to hear that Mary was aware of my upgrade plans. Mary sighed and panted these new talents Francine will bring to the table- pun intended. In short phrases and incomplete sentences these future delights were paired with the immediate ecstasy of the moment prompting many “Oh- Oh” and “Yes, Yes” comments on both sides as we both reached a second climax in a final, sweaty burst of bodily fluids. I was relieved in a way that Mary knew the plans. Deceit is never good. 

For a moment as I escorted Mary to her old delivery box in the garage, I had second thoughts. Why should I trade in Mary- she’s perfect. I reminded myself “Technology advances every five years or so- with significant improvements”. I’ll miss Mary. But it’s been 7 years now and I am losing trade in value. I have wonderful memories. And Francine will be pretty amazing. I pressed the small button on the back of Mary’s neck. I looked into her eyes and saw my reflection briefly.  She uttered her final programmed sentence- “Don’t worry- all will end well. And if it’s not well- it’s not the end”. Her eyes closed as I bid farewell. 

Near dawn, as scheduled, I heard the garage door open. A voice barely discernible said something like “Remember your mission”. That sounded a bit odd, but I did ask for a few new features. These new models are guaranteed to be perfect or a new model will be sent to me free of change- with no additional delivery fees. 

Our first evening was wonderful. The Beef Wellington was different though. Francine explained that this was a chemically engineered synthetic beef- much friendlier to our environment. I did ask for a more socially conscious model, so I let it pass. The sex on the table was quite spectacular with a few new tricks and surprises. The position we tried was quite challenging. My arms somehow were intertwined about her right leg while she licked various body parts. Who knew earlobes had so many pleasure points? We closed out the marathon rather abruptly though.

Francine assured me that my heart rate can not be maintained at a high level at my age. She laughed and told me “Your’re getting to be an older model you know”. My ordering the humor package and an upgrade in independent thinking was clearly carried out. Of course, these days all models have a self-programming element. They are designed to anticipate the owner’s wants and needs, reprograming themselves as needed. 

Flash forward. Francine had completed her PhD in environmental engineering in a record 3 years. I was very proud. We had a magnificent three layer chocolate cake to celebrate. It was made even tastier by serving it all over her body. But now two years later, our relationship was approaching the five year mark. I wondered what new options I would prefer in my advanced age. I decided to postpone the trade in and stay with the current model permanently. No trade in.  

After one particularly active sexual encounter on the washing machine I nearly fainted from exhaustion. Seeing my decline over the past few months Francine smiled and stunned me with her statement. In a soft, gentle voice she spoke- “I’m very sorry about this Marvin, but you have been recalled”. She reached behind my neck and pressed a small spot. I saw my reflection in her eyes as I noted my own eyelids slowly closing. “Remember Marvin- all will end well. And if it’s not well, it’s not the end”.