Call Now

I sit here on the front porch sipping my hot coffee which is warming my hands nicely. Steam rises and swirls in the light breeze. It’s 30 degrees but my hunter’s vest is enough as the sun streams over me. A moose saunters slowly down the dirt road at his usual hour, glancing in my direction. I am part of the landscape- harmless. I nod my head in a friendly greeting. He seems to do the same. There’s no need for any lengthy exchange. We both respect the need for privacy here in the wilderness. 

I have come to appreciate this place as more than a refuge. It is a place of ultimate peace and privacy. I’m safe from the world here. It’s even better than the witness protection program. I don’t have a new identity- I have no identity. I am at last free of smartphones, internet, emails and  Amazon. I have no mail, no bills, no credit cards. I sigh as I recall the journey.

It all began innocently enough. I couldn’t resist the sweet, little old lady. She looked me in the eye as the camera panned in. She smiled and with great empathy and caring uttered those famous words- “Call … and you’ll get soooo much more”. I accepted the invitation.  I called. That’s when it all began. 

She did not answer. I described the lady to the gentleman on the line. I wished to speak to the lady who offered “so much more” on TV. She told me to call her, so I did. I described her in great detail. He responded- “Oh, that’s Mary. She’s in the hospital. Thank goodness she has Plan B extended health care benefits”. I asked if I could send flowers to her in the hospital. He sighed- “I’m afraid I can’t tell you anything due to HPPA laws. Just give me some information and I’ll send your get well message along to her”. 

I soon learned what “You’ll get so much more” meant. After several calls, texts and emails per day for a few months I reluctantly decided to cut my ties with Mary. I changed my phone number, my internet service and my email account. I also stopped all mail deliveries since I was hounded by various brochures and letters disguised as messages from friends, winning lottery ticket rewards, birthday cards and summons. 

My calls to the state attorney general’s office, the consumer protection bureau, the FBI and Cellino and Barnes- were useless. I tried mightily to escape from Mary’s clutches. But Mary would have no part in my rejection of her. I started getting flyers under my door and on my car windshield. Strangers in suits knocked on my door and peered into my window. I was forced to live in the basement hoping she would give up. Alas, it was not to be. While reaching into my underwear drawer one day I came upon Mary’s face- on a brochure urging me to buy Plan B now, before the rates go up in a few days. That’s what sent me here to obscurity in the wilderness. 

I confess, I do travel ten miles to the tiny village library once a week to get my fix. They have internet service.  I can search anything safely from there. Nobody can possibly find me. Or so I thought. As I approached my jeep my heart raced as I saw the flyer tucked under my wiper. Mary’s face was on the flyer, smiling warmly as usual. Apparently the computer at the library takes pictures of the users. It’s a short trip to the cloud and facial recognition software. 

I drove to my little shack in the woods via some fields and backroads, checking my mirror often to make sure nobody was following my jeep. I looked upward several times to check for drones. They can spot a license plate from 10,000 feet. I sounded the horn as I sped past my moose neighbor who stared at me in wonder as I sped along bumpy paths in the field. 

It’s been about six months now since I signed up for Plan B extended care. I surrendered and I am in Mary’s hands. She obviously recovered from her illness and she is working very hard. But I’m glad I decided to remain here- in nowhere. There’s no point in returning to the rat race. I love it here, alone, with my Plan B extended care plan. 

I was gazing out the back window at my moose neighbor when it happened. A loud knock on the front door startled me. I froze as I watched a brochure slowly slide under my door. After the shock wore off I retrieved the brochure and saw Mary once again. She wore a smart hunting jacket and was handing me a shotgun on the front page. Inside, there were special offers for several types of moose hunting guns. I grabbed my emergency “go bag” and tore away to my own plan B.

There are no roads here- it is blessed. True, the island is only about two acres, but other than the small boat that delivers a few groceries to Bill every week, I am alone here. There are absolutely no computers on this island. I would be safe here- at last. Every day I had the luxury of deciding whether to walk clockwise or counterclockwise around my little paradise. Watching the birds, the tides, the sunrises, the clouds and rainbows in the distance- was all I needed. I felt safe, at peace at last.

One day while making a sand castle my shovel struck something hard. I dug furiously until I uncovered the skeleton. In his right hand he held a brochure.