What’s in Your Closet?

Wolf Blitzer stares into your soul as he gravely states “Breaking news …welcome to CNN for those of you in the United States and around the world … writing memoirs does not need to be daunting, tedious and aversive … we’re going live now to Lee’s closet”. As the camera zooms in on Lee- he’s standing in front of his closet with his hand on the right sliding door. “Yes Wolf, I’m about to reveal an amazing advance in memoir writing and it’s right here”. 

Wolf exclaims- “I can feel a sense of relief sweeping the nation. Gone are the days of intense struggle to write reflections on your life that entertain and enlighten the reader” … “Right, Wolf. Really. Who cares about your foolish bike accident when you were seven racing along a dirt road trying to set a land speed record?”

As the closet door slides open it emits a rolling abrasive noise that could be interpreted as a drum roll. Wolf interrupts- “What about that bike accident, Lee?” … “Wolf, you really don’t want to hear about the blood- the real story is right here- in the closet- it’s a time capsule”. 

After a dramatic silence, Wolf exclaims- “That’s really amazing, Lee- it’s so packed it looks like a two dimensional painting”. The camera pans in on a t-shirt rack in the lower half of the right side of the closet, arranged in a color sequence resembling a rainbow. Lee strains to remove the first dozen t-shirts which releases the remaining thirty or so. Spread out on the bed- the camera pans over them giving each their 3 seconds of fame.There are a few plain ones- that have their own secrets to tell, but not for this show. Most are emblazoned with sites and messages. 

Silently except for a few gasps from Wolf, we see: Fairport Canal Days, Fort Myers Beach, Brown’s Ice Cream Shop in York Beach Maine, Glider Planes from Elmira, Shark Dives in Hawaii and the Keys, Leviathan- the world’s second highest roller coaster, Big Cypress Photographers Swamp Walk, a Blackburnian Warbler- from the Rochester Bird Banding Station, three 740 Club Shirts with a giant pelican on the back and several Senior Triathlon shirts. Wolf questions- “But isn’t there a story behind each one?” … “Yes, of course, but who wants to hear it? Let the reader- or viewer make up their own little tale”. 

Philosophical notes were here too. A  goofy cartoon guy kayaking proclaims “Life is Good”. Another boldly states- “Coffee is proof that there is a God and he wants us to pay attention”. One shows a large box with the word “think” above it. Still another reminds us to- “Relax, Drink Finger Lakes Wine”. 

“We’re truly impressed Lee but can you open the left side?”… “Yes, Wolf, but I have to say that what you will see could be upsetting for some viewers”.  “Fair enough Lee, but can we get right to it- we have a commercial coming up”. The door slides slowly open with the usual drum roll. Lee reveals an amazing array of what can only be described as debris. The varied colors, sizes and shapes assaulting the eye suggest a Picasso like installation.

Wolf, speechless, allows the camera to pan across several pairs of worn, stained sneakers, one 5 pound weight, a Boy Scout book of knots, a half dozen worn belts begging for their final internment, several tracking slips from UPS dating back to the 90s, 15 or so ties hanging sadly from some wire structure reflecting fashion trends in ties for 60 years, the complete DVD set of “Arrested Development”, a six pound videocam recorder,and a stack of travel brochures long expired. 

Wolf finally spoke up- “What’s that long  leather strap hanging with a small circular leather piece at the end?” …  “I’m glad you asked Wolf. That’s Alphonso- my invisible dog. I have been working on his act and I’m about ready to take him for a walk in the local Town Center. I’m training him to do tricks. Right now he only knows how to sit up and roll over”. Wolf sat silently for 5 seconds which is two hours in real, non-TV  time. Finally he nods his head and goes on- “OK Lee- What’s on the top left rack?”

On the upper rack were a half dozen pairs of shoes, scratched and worn, but still good- as well as a dozen sweaters- one clearly oversized with “Palm Beach Florida” printed in huge letters on the back- to alert those who might be nearsighted and wondering where they should go for vacation. “Wow, Lee, it looks like there might be a couple of suits” … “Yes, Wolf- actually one is a very expensive blazer- worn once at a high end restaurant in Palm Beach several years ago. I’m hoping they keep the dress code there but it seems suits and jackets are out in Florida. The suit is for my funeral,of course, since there’s no other need for it”. 

“Thanks Lee- it looks like the secret to memoir writing is right there in your home. Closets are time capsules. A picture is worth a thousand words- so you have saved yourself several million words. But before we go, Lee, could you tell us the story of the bloody bike accident?” … “Sure, Wolf. It was a sunny and hot day and Doug and I decided to race our bikes on the dirt road. Unfortunately I didn’t see a big rock ….”

“Sorry Lee- we’re out of time. It looks like there’ll be no need for memoirs thanks to you” …  “Hold on there Wolf-  the closet memoir is not going to work. It’s too hard to reproduce and there’s a ton of editing. I guess I’m going back to the written memoir.” 

“Great, Lee”. Laughing, Wolf continued-.”Maybe you can start with that bloody bike ride. But right now we’re going to cut to a commercial. Joe Namath is going to tell us about a special health care benefit for seniors that’s available for just a few more days. Take it away, Joe …”.