Case Closed

He did it. There was no doubt about it. There was DNA evidence at the crime scene. The perpetrator was seen walking in the neighborhood minutes before the horrible murder. There was plenty of motives. The victim, Steve, was perpetually tormented by his killer- his older brother Winston who long knew Steve was the favorite son. Steve was in line for a big inheritance. Steve endured continual pranks and humiliation at the hands of Winston. Finally, Winston had enough and he disposed of poor Steve. There were too many cuts and disassembled body parts to describe here. 

TV news showed WInston’s picture at his arrest. He was scarred and unshaven with disheveled hair. He had a missing tooth in his facial snarl. It was the typical horrible mug shot photo. He was clearly guilty. Even at his trial he offered no defense. His assigned lawyer slept through much of the trial when he wasn’t objecting to the room temperature, the lighting or the discomfort of his chair at the defense table. 

To antagonize the jury and indeed the entire public, Winston was seen to give the third finger salute as he greeted the jury and the viewers at home each morning when he entered the room dragging his shackles across the floor. He was so hated that the CEO of the cigarette company came out of retirement and announced the name of his company would be changed retroactively from Winston to Unlucky Strike.

It took the jury a record setting seven minutes to reach a unanimous guilty verdict. It might have been five minutes but one jurist had to hit the restroom after the two hour closing arguments of the prosecutor who outlined each cut and slash in gory detail while Winston smiled and gave his usual salute to the irritated jurors and viewers. Fortunately the closing arguments of the defense were brief, only three words … “Hey, accidents happen”.

The execution date was set an hour after Winston’s arrival at state prison, which was also a record. Some even argued that the date should have been set on the two hour drive to the prison. Winston’s negative poll numbers were even below Putin’s recent ratings.  Winston was so despised by the public that Hallmark even came out with a “Goodbye-and- Good -Riddens” line of greeting cards. 

The execution date was delayed a couple of days by Winston’s attorney who filed an appeal requesting that the prison check the lighting, temperature and seating comfort in the execution viewing room, noting in his brief- “There’s no need for discomfort”. 

The days leading up to the execution were filled with stories about Winston’s activities. He enjoyed reading “Mein Kampf” and singing crude drinking songs. His old  neighbors and teachers were interviewed and all noted “Winston had a nasty sense of humor” and they were all happy to see him go.

For his last meal he chose to eat a little canary alive. Viewers were aghast. The prison warden was interviewed on CNN and he explained that Winston would be gone soon- “It just takes a while to complete the paperwork”. The warden was interrupted during the interview by his pet parrot who clung to a perch at the rear of the office, screeching “Fry him! Fry him!”. Finally, on the long Green Mile walk to the execution Winston waved to his fellow inmates on Death Row who also joined the parrot’s refrain as the parrot sat on the warden’s shoulder- “Fry him! Fry him”. 

The lighting, temperature and seating were all acceptable and the execution was quickly completed after Winston offered final words- “Tastes good, like a cigarette should”- laughing after a final drag. 

A few days later as Winston was being prepared for cremation after being executed, the pathologist noticed a scar at the hairline. Peeling away the skin he gasped and dropped the scalpel. It was revealed that quiet, shy Steve had perpetuated the greatest prank in history. Steve had murdered his older brother-tormentor and surgically switched bodies, i.e. fingerprints and facial skin. He had successfully chopped up his nasty brother and even turned Winston into a vilified evil person in the eyes of the public. Steve got the last laugh after all even though he paid the ultimate price for it. Victory at last. 

The pathologist conferred with the DA. There was no point to exposing the errors of the police and the courts. Case closed.