The UFO’S of Relationships by Diane Hanley 9/8/22

Unmet Failed Outcomes VS 

Unifying Favorable Observations

Did you know that there is a frustrating silent relationship killer?  You might think  it is money or sex or selfishness;  maybe criticism, contempt, negativity or neglect.  Yes, all theses ARE causes of relationship challenges, BUT these are actually only symptoms of the real problem.  A marriage counselor, who shall remain nameless, said and I quote, “The reason marriages end in divorce is because of one thing…unmet expectations,” which I am calling “Unmet Failed Outcomes.”  When I heard that statement after I was married a year and a half, I immediately started thinking of all the unmet expectations or outcomes I had hoped for that were already failing.  I had the hopeful belief that a husband was going to love me and do everything I needed and wanted, to make me happy and fulfilled and cherished.  He wouldn’t challenge me or yell at me or be angry with me or not talk to me.  Our relationship would be as it was before we were married.  Right!?

Actor Antonio Banderas said it best, “Expectation is the mother of all frustration.”  He should know.  He was married twice — once for nine years to an English teacher, who he can thank for his Hollywood career (she taught him English), and once for 19 years to an actress, divorcing her due to “irreconcilable differences.”  Another word for “unmet failed outcomes.”

I have seen the pain and frustration that plays out from having those unmet expectations, not just in my marriage, but in many, many relationships, mine and other people’s.  It’s a deadly venom that flows to the heart and wreaks havoc with all kinds of friendly and family ties.  You  have to understand that hope is at the very heart of love and, therefore, relationships.  We all hope that things will go our way because we believe that IS THE BEST WAY!  We are all prideful in our relationships whether we want to admit it or not.  We want our way!  That means at home, at work, at the store, at a meeting and with our friends, as well as with our spouse or signifiant other or our family.  Aren’t we usually sure we’re the right one?

So having unmet outcomes or expectations isn’t just a marriage problem, it’s a life problem.  It doesn’t matter whether you’re single, married, working, retired, old, young, male or female. Having hopes that fail are lethal to everyone. No one is immune to not getting their way!

So…what’s the solution?  I’m suggesting (sort of in the same vein as that counselor years ago and I’m sure plenty of others today) that we can use, in my terms, another U F O with an added S:  UFO’S — Unifying Favorable Observations = a Solution.  

So what is a “unifying favorable observation?”  It is basically a change in one’s perspective.  It means taking an unfulfilled hope or expectation and observing not just the negative of it for yourself, but also seeing how one could unify or merge the other persons hopes, outlooks and expectations with your own.  It requires serious observation of that other person’s needs and wants, as well as keeping in mind your own needs and wants.  It could require that two people communicate, sharing their wants and needs, so they can both have their wishes met (or at least one of them figuring it out and finding unifying ground to move forward).

Here’s a simple example:  She likes to go out to eat at fancy restaurants, so she can dress up, feel special, have the car door opened, coat removed, wine ordered, etc.  He likes to go to family owned restaurants which serve fried fish or vegetable enchiladas.  He likes to wear jeans and drink ginger beer, maybe take the motorcycle.  Hear the problem? 

If one person dominates, then the other will feel unfulfilled, with hopes dashed, expectations unmet, outcomes failed.  BUT, if there is unification, then a favorable solution can be found, just like we learned in kindergarten:  sharing, taking turns, problems solved.  We CAN focus on having healthy, realistic and kind expectations.  We can learn not to be selfish and prideful.  We can learn to compromise, rather than demand, or walk around acting like a victim, staying silent.  So, think:  unifying, observing the other person, talking about needs and wants, and thereby, finding a solution.

You can see how this could also work for chores around the house, love-making in the bedroom, family outings with children, vacations with family or friends, which ice cream to buy or friends wanting to see movies, or even with co-workers and on and on.

This strategy made my marriage close to perfect.  He actually came to request eating at fancy restaurants, especially for birthdays and anniversaries and I actually came to really like a relaxing night at a mom and pop restaurant!  We used this tactic over and over again!  We met headfirst our “unmet failed outcomes” and then we found our “unifying favorable observations” which then lead to myriad solutions.  We made it work.  If all of us could only do so in this very chaotic world today, full of divisions between men and women, liberals and conservatives, races, religions, governments and on and on!   If only….