Three Miracles

I have a four hour window for the plumber- 1 pm to 5 pm. I answered my cell phone at 1245 expecting to hear that there will be a delay- or worse, it’ll be canceled until next week. This was the first miracle of the day. The voice said in a happy sing-song tone- “Mike will arrive at 1:00 pm”. A shiver hit my spine and a sense of foreboding crept into my brain. This may be the first time in history that a repair person showed up at the first crack of the “window”. I feel unsteady and unsure about what will happen next. The world order seemed to be adrift. Sure enough, exactly at 1 the red van appeared with the company name in big bold black letters- “Al, Lee and N Plumbing Company”. Their cute motto appears below “We aim to please and please to aim”. I think I see the joke there but let’s move on. 

Mike appeared at the front door at precisely 1 PM. I let it ring twice before slowly and cautiously descending the stairway. I don’t want to appear desperate, though I am. If they sense weakness, they’ll add to the project and pad the bill. 

Mike was the stereotypical looking  plumber. Age forty or so and about 30 pounds overweight after a couple of decades of fast food lunches between jobs, Mike smiled stiffly and said in a gruff voice- “Good afternoon. I’m Mike here to fix your toilet”. His stomach stretched out over his belt in a vain attempt to escape. His face had a few wrinkles suggesting maybe he was pushing 50. 

He went about his mission to repair the master bedroom toilet.  I let him do the job unaccompanied and I took a cup of coffee to the front porch. You don’t want to bother the plumber- he charges by the word as well as by the hour. I once had a plumber happily teach me wild turkey mating calls. It was exhilarating and worth the 50 extra bucks. But we’re on a tight budget these days and I suspect Mike isn’t into non-poisonous edible plants or something interesting like that. Anyway off I went to the porch for a two hour break.

To my utter shock Mike came to the porch after five minutes. My coffee was barely touched. He put his tool box down with a modest thud. He put his hand on his hips and straightened his frame- “All done”. As in all of nature, showing a large physical size and making a domineering gesture- lets you take control. This show was not necessary, however. I was already rendered helpless and speechless by this second miracle- a plumbing job done in five minutes.

Time is difficult to measure when you are in shock. I recall standing next to the van as he placed his toolbox into the back. Then came the third miracle. I muttered, “What do I owe you?”. He responded “Oh, no charge.” I thanked God quietly for the three miracles. 

The toilet ran flawlessly. But my computer seemed to be catching whatever bug the toilet had. It took forever, i.e. about 55 seconds, to activate after the power was turned on. Fifty five seconds in computer years is about two human years. It was appallingly slow. I could also swear the black screen occasionally had a few microsecond flashes of a big CBS-like eye. I thought about calling the Greek Squad for help but I decided to live with the delay. They have six hour windows.

Maybe there was a fourth miracle. I recall a few days later, as I lowered myself into bed I found myself floating slowly around a cigar shaped UFO in deep space. The odd shaped UFO had a band on it that read, “Al, Lee and N Plumbing”. My next conscious memory was lying on the table as “Mike” appeared. He said, “Nice to see you again” in a metallic, flat voice. He apologized for the voice- “They’re working on it at the home office”. 

Mike explained all my thoughts and movements at home had been fully recorded and analyzed. The blood and tissue samples just taken were completed. I was free to go home. I must have mumbled some kind of complaint. Mike went on, “We at Al, Lee and N are  plumbers for the entire Universe. We work for The Big Guy”. He apologized again- this time for being sexist. “I mean the Big Person. No, make that the Big Boss. No, I mean the Average Size Boss. No, the Eternal One. Never mind. You get the picture”. He went on,  “It’s our job to drop in and make sure everything is following the plan”. He explained I should be honored to be selected for inspection. “Thanks, I guess”- I said in a quiet, trembling voice. 

To my shock his voice suddenly changed to a soft, kindergarten teacher’s voice. He said in a slow, reassuring manner “I’m sure you are a little scared right now. Right?” as he slowly nodded and paused. I think I just lowered my head and nodded in response. “Yes, but you are doing a great job and you will be home soon. Just hold this little green magic rock and think your answers to the questions you will ‘hear’ in your mind. OK?. It’s an AASS questionnaire- Alien Abduction Satisfaction Survey. It will help us do our jobs better. Are you calm and ready now?”. I nodded. “Good”. As I gripped the stone tightly he added, “And one more thing. At the end you will be asked to rate me. Please give me a 5. I would really appreciate it”. I nodded. 

At home I went about my daily business. No point in discussing this matter with anyone. I would be locked up. The computer and toilet worked fine. Let’s leave it at that. However, the next time I have plumbing problems I’ll call “Say Tan Plumbing and Heating”.