You Shall Be Mine!

I scanned the room as usual to make sure there were no signs of illegal entry. Nothing seemed out of place. The Qual-Tech Automotive pen was exactly in place, pointing west with the company phone number centered to the standing eye. The swivel desk chair stood at attention facing the computer screen as it sat on a plastic chair matt with the rear wheel perpendicular to the edge of the mat, exactly one inch north of the floor/matt boundary. Even the light layer of dust on the shelf above the computer was not disturbed. I smiled a bit as I thought- “I’m really getting rather good at this internet espionage thing”.

I breathed a bit easier. I was safe for now. They haven’t found me, yet. I know what I must do. I will not bend to the will of Corporate America. I will have my way. Shortly I will be on the Dark Web. I justified my actions by reminding myself that I could not make any personal contacts with those in authority. No more friendly faces to listen to my needs. This is the only way. Besides, I reasoned, “nobody will be hurt”. 

It took numerous clicks on various links using several passwords which were reset weekly. Finally I was on the Dark Web. The last link requires my favorite  pet- in Albanian. That was a nice touch. I had trouble with last week’s password- my favorite food, in Farsi. Pineapple upside down cake doesn’t translate well in Farsi. I sat back and awaited admission. 

Finally, a demonic doll head appeared, resembling a cross between Chucky and Alfred E Newman. It was menacing and funny at the same time.  Its lips moved and a gravelly voice announced, “The usual, Mr. Smith?” I answered “yes” by typing “no”. It had taken me weeks to get my hacker friend in a remote Siberian village to get through the almost impenetrable electronic defenses of the biggest Corporations in the world. But it was done. I didn’t want to risk making any changes at this point. I’ll stick with “the usual”, as I do most mornings. 

Chucky/Alfred smiled and said in a flat emotionless tone and a slight echo like he was speaking from a large garbage can-  “Will there be anything else?” I typed “yes” for “no” and the screen went black. In 20 seconds my normal internet mail returned. Apparently in the last few minutes I won an amazing vacation package. All I had to do was open the message and answer a few simple questions. You can’t fool this electronic espionage expert. Delete. 

I drove immediately to the rendezvous point. I passed the display board and drove directly to the window. I announced “Special Order for Mr. Smith” and my single biscuit with two jellies was handed to me by a long metal arm. I pulled out of the McDonald’s parking lot- satisfied that I had penetrated the world’s biggest corporation’s electronic defenses. I screamed “You shall be mine!” in sheer joy. 

Still, there was a little sadness. The days of a friendly smiling clerk taking your order and asking you “Is there anything else I can get you” are over. Now that there are no humans to take your order we are reduced to using a smartphone app to order one of 14 standard meals. After you have pressed a button on your smartphone you can go to the drive-through window. Even if you enter the store you are “greeted” by a few six foot high order panels. No matter how much you yell and press all kinds of buttons, the indifferent universe will serve you a biscuit meal. No chance for just a biscuit and two jellies. The former order counter now stands cold and empty and the menu display above it no longer shines its countenance upon us. 

After a short drive and a few fond memories of McDonald’s of old, I walked into the kitchen of my tiny apartment, prepared to enjoy my special order. I dropped the bag and stood in silent shock. They have found me. Hamburglar and Grimace sat at the table sipping their McDonald’s coffee. They took my special order bag and handed me a box- a biscuit meal with sausage, homefries, coffee and one jelly. 

After eating my last meal in silence Grimace applied the cuffs and I was whisked off to an unknown purgatory. I will be trapped in a small cell eating Happy Meals with no toys for the remainder of my internet life.