The ABC’s of Death

The “ABC”s of Death  by Diane Hanley 8/3/2022

Everybody, no exceptions, waits their turn to die.  Some go quickly; some linger, even years.  Some suffer painfully, physically; others suffer emotionally.  Some suffer not at all, but die with a fishing pole in one hand and a sandwich in another.  But no matter the process, everybody dies!  The how and why matter, of course, and we usually come to know them, unless they overtake us abruptly.  There are so many whys and hows ranging from the flu to cancer; from drowning to a car wreck.  The lesser knowns are the when and where. The when and where can cause us to fixate and not pleasantly.  We can say, “I want to die at home, not in a hospital,” but often we have no control.  Others may decide our “where.”  But I did get to choose mine.  The “when” can remain the biggest question.  Some of us are brave enough to want to know the “when,” and others would prefer not to think about it.  Either way, we cannot avoid it.

I’m just a guy who knew the why — cancer;  the how — related to blood cells being destroyed; the where — I chose a Hospice Home (a beautiful one), but even at my entry I didn’t know the when, until it happened. 

It was exhausting those beginning days at the Hospice House.  People came to visit and I felt I had to talk to them, to even entertain them and certainly not depress them.  I loved all those people for loving me enough to come and visit.  I felt I needed to encourage them, that actually it wasn’t so bad being in the state I was in.  We all knew why I was there, but no one would speak about it, except my one friend, who just happened to be a doctor.  He explained to me, and my wife why I was feeling certain things, why I couldn’t walk right, for instance.  Essentially, my body was shutting down.  He came every day, except the last one and I knew he honestly just couldn’t stomach seeing me in a coma state.  Each day he would say, “See you tomorrow.”  I knew that last day it would be awhile until I would see him again.

My wife came every day, too and stayed until her eyes and body were drooping from the need of sleep.  If I was awake or aware, I would say, “You’re here, still here?” I would tell her to go home, until I couldn’t, and even then she spent most of the night, went home and slept for a few hours and came back to be with me on that last day.  

My life had been one challenge after another and to be perfectly truthful, I was looking forward to being saved from all my challenges.  I didn’t know it until my fifties, but I was born with high functioning autism.  It made me different and it made my genius level father and my rich society mother dismayed, inconvenienced and rejecting.  I couldn’t please either of them.  My differences gave them an excuse for both physical and emotional abuse.  Alcoholism was my answer and escape, as soon as I discovered my first drink at about thirteen.  It made me relax and feel free.  Fortunately, I did get sober in my late thirties and stayed that way.  Also in my formative years I observed a lot of anger from my parents and kids around me.  I, too, became angry, an anger I never could completely control.  Then later in life I began to develop arthritis and for a musician, who fingerpicked a guitar, that was  certainly another blow to my already challenging life.  These were my “five A’s” that I lived with in mind and body — until there was a 6th, Acute Leukemia.  That one “A” I could almost celebrate, because it meant I’d soon be free from all the other five:  autism, abuse, anger, alcoholism and arthritis.  I only regretted leaving my wife, who helped me  so much with all my “A’s”!!  

My solitary world, the one in my mind, could be dark, depressing and even dangerous.  But my alone world could also be filled with inspiration in music, poetry, painting, drawing and woodworking —the joy of creating.  Or I could get lost at the pool swimming laps or in reading books and all sorts of things on the internet.  I was leaving a better existence than I had lived earlier.  Many regrets for losing this shared world — the one I had come to love with other people who both liked and loved me, and all the amazing things I got to do with them.  I was on several Master Swim Teams, got to perform, sing, act and even dance with other groups, and enjoyed exchanging puns, poetry and passion with some of my closest friends and, of course, my wife.  She and I did some traveling, ate some fine food, watched lots of marvelous movies and I continued to beat her at Scrabble until I let her win once before I passed on.

I know that in my 69 years I had been bewildered by much, battered, bruised, berated, bullied and betrayed by too many people, especially in my earlier life, but my last 30 years were considerably better than the previous 30 plus years.  I unquestionably had been humbled by it all.  But I had also been saved from those “A’s” and “B’s” of my life by the BIG “C.”  What was that “C” you wonder…  Well, it was both the culmination and the eventuality of my search for meaning and answers.  It changed my life, my attitudes, my hope.  It gave me a new life.  My parents might have thought it a nonsensical decision on my part, but by then they had no say anymore.  I was free of them.  That “C” reversed my life!   And if you haven’t guessed, I will tell you that the “C” was Christianity.  

That brings me to the often feared “D” word, the one that no one wants to hear, that furrows brows, causes loud sighs, opens eyes and brings tears, “Death.”   I can attest to its existence, but it isn’t to be feared.  It is merely a passing from one life to the next life.  I am free now of all those A’s and B’s thanks to the C!  Death was just the door…..