Regulations

The new regulation will go into effect August 1st at 12:01 AM EST. I have to hurry to beat it. There is no time to waste. I have only 23 hours and 59 seconds of freedom from this rule. 

Anyway, the newest rule in our lives gives me pause to think. I suspect all the laws passed in a year by Congress a couple hundred years ago could be printed in a small notebook. I read that trucks had to deliver a couple thousand page manuscript to congresspersons just for one major health care bill. No wonder we’re having a tree shortage in the world and we have to tear down the Amazon forest for more paper. There ought to be a law. Wait, that would be another 1,000 trees sacrificed. Never mind. 

I guess laws and rules are necessary. As I walk along the Erie Canal Trail in upstate New York I spot a sign with lots of laws written on it- no snowmobiles, no motorcycles, no firearms, no hunting. Hey, what if I really had a craving to race my snowmobile against a motorcycle this winter while firing my AR 15 at ducks hanging out on the ice looking for open water? I guess I couldn’t do it. 

I noticed the other day that I can not remove a tag from my pillow “under penalty of law”. I wonder what the penalty would be? Would Mr. Pillow force me to buy their pillow and force me to vote for Trump too? That would be horrible. I’d better leave the tag on. 

I also read that there is a law in Skamania County in Washington state against “slaying of Bigfoot, punishable by five years in prison”. Now that actually makes a lot of sense- Big Foot never hurt anybody, at least to my knowledge. 

Then there’s a law in Virginia against hunting on Sundays except for racoons. Now that’s discriminatory. Racoons should protest this unfair law. Why are racoons more maligned than possums, squirrels and skunks? These are also pretty nasty creatures if you ask me. Shooting them as  well as racoons on Sunday would be a blessing. And what if you shoot at a racoon on a Sunday and accidentally hit another animal, like a human. I guess it would be an accidental killing, especially if the human was crawling around on the ground with a mask on. 

It’s also illegal in Utah to “cause a catastrophe”. They go on to describe a catastrophe as “widespread injury or damage caused by weapons of mass destruction, explosion, fire, flood, avalanche or building collapse”. I thought we already had laws about those things. I guess it doesn’t hurt to be sure though. If someone sets off a bomb and kills 2,000 people, in addition to the 2,000 murder charges we can add “committed a catastrohpe” to the list. That would tack on another life sentence and show everyone they mean business in Utah. 

In Alabama, driving blindfolded is strictly forbidden. Now that’s pretty sensible. There might be some confusion about that in some states, but not Alabama. I’m sure someone decided to try it there. The defense attorney probably indicated to the jury that the driver was driving blindfolded but very slowly on familiar roads and therefore the “reckless driving” charge did not apply. Innocent. But there’s no way around this  blindfold law. Well done Alabama!

Ok, these are pretty crazy laws written by intoxicated legislators you say. Probably true. But consider more mundane rules and regulations for a moment. Consider- yellow traffic lights. The rules about yellow lights vary from state to state. In most places, when green goes to yellow, you are supposed to slow down and stop. In Florida, you must speed up and go as fast as possible to avoid the 2 minute and 20 second red light. That makes perfect sense. If you have a high powered vehicle and you are on a tight schedule, why stop. Sure, the light might turn red while you are in the crossing area, but again in Florida that’s permitted by custom. It’s commonly known as the five second rule. Nobody would think of entering an intersection on a green light for the first five seconds. My only argument about the yellow rule is it should be made clear in the state’s driver training programs and it should be written clearly in the statutes to prevent misunderstanding. 

So after all this reflection, I am down to the last 23 hours and 3 minutes before my freedom is restricted another notch … hmm … in 23 hours and 2 minutes and 30 seconds in New York state I will no longer be able to yodel in the shower. I wonder if it is illegal in New York, however, to take a 23 hour and one minute shower- yodelling or not? I will make a note to check on that but not now- I have plenty of showering and yodelling to do. 

As I step into the shower and begin a short yodelling warmup I ponder this law some more. I object to this infringement on my liberty. Yodelling while showering is still allowed in Florida. That’s another good reason to become a resident of Florida. However, I hear that Florida will soon outlaw the word “liberal” from any public document and all educational materials. That’s a tough one. It’s a toss up. Oh well, I can live without the word, but not the yodel. I will pack my bags for Florida in 22 hours and 15 seconds. For now, I’m off for my last 23 hours of yodelling freedom in the Empire state.