The Banana

It is with great pleasure that I am announcing the creation of a new online periodical- The Banana. Yes, you probably think that this is a weak attempt to emulate another satirical periodical named after a certain vegetable. I assure you the only similarity here is that both are peeled. Unlike that other rag, The Banana will not pursue cheap laughs at the expense of fictitious characters of limited intelligence. No, we will aspire to present real, hard-hitting reporting in a concise fashion expressing the views of both sides of our totally divided country. We at The Banana will peel back the facts to expose the truth. 

Since moderation is impossible, The Banana will provide a platform for all living on the fringe- that’s right- everybody. Since there is no middle ground the only purpose of journalism today is to let people vent in order to minimize actual physical attacks. Not afraid of the dark side, we present our first incendiary topic- Gun Control. Of course being online, we will have live feeds from our crack reporters in the field or sometimes in the street or even in a restroom. 

Guns have been maligned in our culture. To present the pro gun side  we sent our ace reporter, Walter Braunkite to interview Dwayne Lollypier, the president for life of the NRA- live, uncensored online. “What’s up with Mr. Lollypier, Walter?”. 

“Well, I just asked him what he does with his 5 million dollar a year compensation package for being president of the NRA and he slammed the stall door on me. He had just shown me his gold toilet in his luxurious 7,000 square foot penthouse office, so I guess that answers the 5 million dollar question. The interview went well before that. We had a nice lunch of Panda Bear brain, flown in fresh from northern China. It kind of tasted like chicken to be honest, but the cockaded woodpecker sauce prepared by a team of Audubon approved chefs was delightful. 

“Walter- let’s get on track here- what’s Dwayne’s reaction to the latest school massacre?” Oh yes, he did send his thoughts and prayers to the grieving parents. But he added these parents should be proud of the sacrifice their children have made to keep us free. “Walter- did he offer any solutions to these weekly killings?” Yes, he says we need far more guns, especially in elementary schools. Every teacher should have an automatic pistol on their waist, locked and loader. 

“OK Walter but did he mention that most killers these days are wearing body armor and they are able to kill guards at schools and supermarkets?” Oh, yes. He said teachers should also be suited up in body armor, as well as all the children. The NRA will soon be approving such self defense wear for a small kickback. “But Walter, won’t that just lead to long gun battles and very noisy classrooms. How can there be any learning?” I did point that out and he just shouted out “That’s where the grenades come in” as he rushed off to the restroom in his office penthouse. He shouted something about maybe the Panda brain was bad.

I’m standing here at the stall- “Mr. Lollypier, would you like to comment on the fact that there are 1.21 guns for each human living in this country”. (Groan, flush)- “Yes, I am very proud of those numbers though our goal is 3 guns per person. A family of 5 would then have 15 guns in the home. There would be one for each room, including bathrooms, garages, closets, tree houses and tool sheds. Everyone should have access to a weapon within arms reach. How else can we protect ourselves from immigrant invaders, liberal lawyers and Bernie Sanders?

“Walter, we have to run.  I hope you don’t get sick from that Panda”. “Thanks, I’m looking forward to a nice meal of gazelle heart sauteed in guava butter and washed down with a twelve year old Scotch”- if Dwayne recovers. I will ask him some hard hitting questions over dinner- such as: Will school psychologists be able to use armor piercing bullets?; Should bars be installed in all first floor windows of all schools?; Should the age to purchase automatic rifles be lowered from 18 to 12?; Should all income rolling into the NRA be considered charitable, and untaxed? And what does he think about the new NRA formed this week- “No Ridiculous Arms”?

“Thank you for this in depth reporting Walter. Good luck with that gazelle heart. Next week we will be sending Mr. Fred Froggers to get the rest of the story. He will interview members of the left- Bernie Sanders for one. We understand Bernie is bringing up a bill in the Senate to outlaw aggressive cartoons. He is specifically concerned about Elmer Fudd firing a shotgun into random holes in his attempt to kill rabbits. Elmer is not licensed and he has had no proper training. Elmer is a terrible role model. We also understand that Mr. Sanders is proposing a bill that will require all schools receiving federal funding to provide meditation and flower arrangement classes to instill peace and harmony for children. 

So dear readers, that raps up volume 1 of The Banana. In order to increase our fan base we will be providing Wordle, Zen gardening tips and wind chimes interludes for the left. For the right, we will provide golf swing lessons by Rudy Guliano, big game tracking tips and Rush Limbaugh poetry readings. For the three or four of you in the middle, please go away. Future issues will include an interview with the Dali Lama at a Demolition Derby in Tibet.  Donald Trump will discuss his funniest lawsuits. We will also contact Ronald Reagan via a zoom seance to ask him about the future of the Republican party and the amenities of Heaven or wherever he is. Back to you. 

Thanks Walter. Tell your friends to join us at The Banana where facts are peeled back to reveal the truth.