Woman Defiantly Pleads Guilty

Phoebe Oakley, a petite 44-year-old female, represented herself in court today. The charge was reckless endangerment with a handgun during a road rage incident. Ms. Oakley, (a.k.a. Anne) claimed her actions were well within reason, considering the circumstances.

When the prosecutor pressed her on what circumstances might justify exiting her car and shooting out the front left tires of the six cars in front of her, she replied, “They made me late for all of my appointments.” The prosecutor then asked her to be more specific.

“I’m a very busy woman,” Ms. Oakley replied. “On the day this happened, I had no time to waste. My first stop was at Starbucks for a mocha latte. After leaving Starbucks, ten minutes was all I had to make my hair appointment. Once Giorgio finished with my hair, I only had twenty minutes to get to the nail salon. Every stop was perfectly timed so I could meet the girls for lunch looking fabulous.”

“I see,” replied the prosecutor. “What I don’t understand is how shooting out the tires on other people’s cars is justified?”

“I already answered that question. They made me late for every appointment. If they had just kept moving, everything would have been just fine. I thought, if they can make me late, then I can make them late as well. Don’t you see? What I did was only fair.”

At that, the prosecutor rose from his chair and asked, “Did you notice the road construction and the flagman stopping the traffic in front of you?”

“Sure, I noticed him, but I would never shoot a person. The tires were the next best thing. My psychologist says that it’s unhealthy to suppress my emotions. Shooting those tires allowed me to vent. You can’t blame me for following my doctor’s advice, can you?”

The exasperated prosecutor then turned to the judge and asked for a ruling.

Judge Janis Dior looked sympathetically at the defendant before issuing her ruling.

“I can relate to the defendant’s feeling of frustration, but I have to rule against Ms. Oakley. I order Ms. Oakley to pay restitution to the victims for replacement tires and to attend anger management classes given by a different psychologist from the one she is currently seeing.

When I asked Ms. Oakley if she was satisfied with the trial’s outcome, she replied, “I don’t know how I’m going to fit classes into my busy schedule.”

A short time later, this reporter overheard judge Dior ask Ms. Oakley, “Where did you have your nails done? They’re lovely!”