Space, the Last Frontier

Ok, don’t you think it’s a bit ironic that Mankind’s search to discover the secrets of the Universe should begin in a tiny primitive jungle village in the middle of French Guiana? Kourou thought they would get a Costco or at least a stamp after the big launch. Unfortunately, after the launch on Christmas Day the village has already been forgotten. Costco has canceled its plans and there’s no need for stamps since nobody mails things. Even Amazon doesn’t want to sell Kourou coconuts with paintings of the launch on them. The Kourou villagers have returned to the dark ages of life without the internet.

The Webb Infrared Telescope has cruised along flawlessly for six months. It has reached its final orbit in the darkest spot in our solar system. As we approach it and look back a million miles to Earth it still shocks me how inconsequential we really are. It takes a huge telescope to see the tiny speck called Earth. So here we sit or should I say float, in our spacecraft. 

We have ample room for ping pong. It was Nigel’s idea to bring along ping pong paddles and balls. Natasha prefers gymnastics. Juan has some annoying pinatas which we keep repairing after smashing them with the ping pong paddles. It’s tough to clean up all the Tootsie rolls and lollipops floating about but that keeps Juan busy. Fraulein Helga continues to clean and polish her beer recycling machine. Made with fine German engineering it converts human urine into beer in an endless cycle. Perfect. Then there’s Piere. He spends most of his time making crepes and napping. He has been unable to turn urine into wine so he has been reduced to drinking the beer in a wine glass adding a bit of coloring to resemble Cabernet. He takes two hour afternoon naps and he has threatened to strike if he is disturbed.

What’s my name? Oh yes, I forgot to introduce myself. I’m Hal. My mother named me that after she first saw 2001. She was an odd one. I remember the tall thin stones she erected in our rock garden. Her favorite song was “Daisy, Daisy”.  Anyway, she certainly loved space. She gave me all the inspiration I needed to get into the astronaut program. However, she went a bit over the top when she dropped me out of my third story bedroom window onto the trampoline below. I think I did have a second of weightlessness but I forgot after the concussion. For my onboard pastime I build massive Star Wars models. But if I find another Tootsie Roll in the Death Star, Juan will go missing on his next space walk to clean our windows. 

So this international group of astronauts is about to contact James Webb. Not the person, the telescope. It will look deep into the light of the first bursts of matter following the Big Bang. As we approach it, James does look a little strange with all of its golden panels stretching out from the metal core. It is really a shame that we had to make this long journey. But James suddenly stopped sending any images. 

James has taught us so much already. For example we have learned that there is life beyond the Earth. James spotted a billboard that said “Grizbo eats flangnuts- vote for Brizzzgray, she will gag your dribdumbs”. Clearly politics is alive and well deep in space. Our flight to fix James has also been interesting. We spotted a can of Tab floating by our window as we barrelled through a debri field. We didn’t report that one since we were all over the limit sampling Helga’s latest brew. It may have been a hallucination. Juan was going to go outside to get it but he couldn’t find the door. 

Since we have spent literally 10 billion dollars on this little telescope and since it is about to reveal the images of the actual creation of the Universe, the Higher Powers at NASA decided what’s the harm in spending another billion to fix the thing so we can all sleep well at night knowing what it’s all about. James was just an hour away from those final images of the Creation- the Big Reveal, when the lights went out. Bummer. If we all can fix the damn thing we might get a bubblegum card, a bobblehead or a meeting with Grizbo. So we will give it our best shot, Earthlings. 

We docked with James. The cobwebs were annoying. We did not plan for space spiders. Scientists have found that humans are on average only three feet from a spider at any given time, anywhere in the world- or probably the Universe. These are hardy ones- able to live without oxygen or gravity. The webs were tangled in the hardware. We tossed the ten legged spiders out the door.  We then sealed the door with the Flex Family of Products so these spiders would stay out. We were safe from any water leakage too according to the label. With a little Pledge the machinery was shiny and running again. Houston was thrilled. 

Back in our spacecraft we huddle around the screen ready to take notes with our Bic pens before retiring to our bunks and our Mr. Pillows. Yes, product placement is an important source of revenue for this project. 

The images of the Big Bang are coming up. A face begins to slowly emerge from the glaring white light. We gasp, thinking there is a divine presence. We are in awe. We see a white haired, bearded individual with a flowing white robe. A big hand reaches over to a bright red light switch. As he flicks the switch down everything goes black. The Universe is destroyed.  … Then the light pops on again and the figure appears to be laughing. He holds up a sign which reads in English, Spanish, French and Russian- “Just kidding”. We can go home now.

We have discovered the core element of Creation- humor. It will be in the next publication of the Periodic Table of Elements, listed as “HuMa”.