An Open Letter From Santa

Ok, boys and girls. I just want to reassure you that Santa is well. I have been triple vaccinated and I gargle with bleach every morning just in case. Also, I have instituted a mask mandate here at the North Pole. All elves and reindeer must wear a mask at all times. 

I know what you’re thinking. A mask for a reindeer is tricky. Mrs. Clause came up with a great design made from her used panty hose. The hard part was to sell it to the reindeer. Rudolph has cited personal freedom issues in his lawsuit trying to stop the  mask mandate. He claims that masks cause him to have breathing problems at high altitudes. SCOTUS will have the final ruling on Christmas Eve. Until then, it’s masks for all. 

Christmas is still on this year even with the 5th or 6th Covid wave. I lost count. I do have some bad news however. Santa has had some supply chain issues. Yes, I did slip into referring to myself in the third person. I do have a touch of Asperger’s if you want to know. But that shouldn’t stop you from believing in Santa. There I go again. I can’t really stop it. Look, Santa doesn’t have to be a great communicator. All he has to do is say “Ho, Ho, Ho, what do you want for Christmas Joey”? The little rugrats take it from there. 

Anyway, where was I? I’m also getting a touch of Altzheimers’ I think. Oh yes, the toys. I hate to break it to you boys and girls, but Santa does not pack up the toys for everyone in one sleigh to be delivered overnight. How could you believe that? That’s ridiculous. Only Amazon Prime can do that. Anyway, Santa has many factories and warehouses scattered around the world where he can get really cheap labor. 

Unfortunately there are supply chain issues this year and most gifts are sitting in cargo ships scattered around the world. They simply can’t get to the warehouses for Santa to pick them up on Christmas Eve. Sorry kids, but it looks like you will all be getting gifts you didn’t want. The good stuff  is sitting on those damn ships. 

Bad news, Jimmy. I know that your heart is set on a VTech Kidi Zoom Printcam Digital Camera and Printer. You’ll be getting a scratch pad and a box of used crayons with the red crayon missing.

Mary. I hate to say it but you won’t be getting the OMG Sports Cheer  Diva Fashion Doll. Instead, you’ll be getting an old Barbie with a missing leg. Hey, don’t be sad. It comes with a wheelchair with a loose wheel and a handicapped parking sticker. You will be the only kid on your block with a handicapped doll. Get over it. At least you’ll be politically correct and you probably will start a new hip trend in toys.

Little Timmy. What can I say? I know you wanted the Little Tyke First Slide. Sorry buddy. There’s a big plastic shortage. So you’ll be getting a nice wide used plank with some nails sticking out. Those nails will slow you down which is good for the safety factor.

Harriet. You said you were really good this year. You wanted the Bluey Mega Bundle Home BBQ Play Set. I know they have really cute cat-human figures and a nice little fake barbeque. But, I hate to tell you, your present is stuck in a typhoon off Pago Pago. Besides that, I know you have not been a very good girl. Santa knows that you took your mother’s batteries out of her vibrator to use in your Baby Burp and Fart doll. Bad girl. Anyway, you’ll be getting a little shoe box with a few rocks for the family figures.  It also comes with a box of matches for you to burn the toy house down. Please do it outside if you can. 

Oh well. I’m sitting here with the Missus by the fire. She’s OK with this covid thing. It looks like I’ll be home early due to the lack of gifts.I plan on grilling some reindeer steaks and washing it down with more egg nog. Thanks to Harriet, I have plenty of batteries too. Santa says “Ho,Ho, Ho”.