Death to Squirrels

Everyone in the neighborhood agrees. Squirrels are pests that are increasing in numbers and destroying the neighborhood. That’s why we meet monthly to eliminate the threat. Louis has been the long term leader of the Woodlands Protective Society, WPS. Louis strode confidently to the podium. The assembled crowd cheered as he approached. He paused and in the quiet moment that followed, all attention was drawn to him. He shouted, “The infestation of the disease carrying squirrel vermin must stop!” The crowd responded roaring  “Death to squirrels, death to squirrels”. Louis nodded and smiled then he  stepped over to the easel and flipped the large page.

The crowd gasped as they viewed a picture of a fierce squirrel leaping forward as if to devour the audience. With a pointer Louis drew the attention to the dangerous claws of these feared creatures and reminded everyone that though small, the furry menace could rip the face off of anyone present. He next pointed to the tail and reminded all that with one swish of his big, powerful tail he could knock anyone to the ground. He went on to remind the audience that though squirrels are stupid, thier small heads contain a primative brain that is only interested in war and conquest”.

Life in the forest was calm and peaceful before the squirrel infestation. Louis went on to show a graph with a big red line climbing nearly straight up as he lamented the growing squirrel population in the neighborhood. He flipped another page and the crowd again gasped as they viewed the line of scrawny animals exiting town on a small sidewalk, forced in exile to flee their homes and find shelter in a foreign forest. “This is us in a year or two”. 

The only solution was to kill the squirrels.  Louis urged them to step up the Squirrel War until they achieved complete victory. A porcupine waddled forward and politely asked, “Isn’t our real enemy the humans? They are taking over our forest- not the squirrels”. The crowd was stunned by the impudence of this pointy creature. How dare he question their leader. There were boos, grunts and foot stomping. 

Louis raised his paw and silenced them. In a sarcastic tone he stated “Mr. Porcupine is ill informed. In fact the humans are agents of the squirrels. We all have observed humans feeding the squirrels with nuts and seeds. The squirrels sit up and act friendly and cute to get  more food. He acknowledged the fact that humans were expanding into the forest but added “That’s what the evil squirrels want. Humans are expanding into the woods so that they can build more feeders to attract more squirrels. They love the little creatures. He reasoned,”If we get rid of squirrels, their human allies will have no reason to invade our woods and we will be safe”.

The monthly vote was nearly unanimous- 675 to 1 (Mr. Porcupine voted for himself). Louis will continue as Supreme Leader. He waved to the crowd. He knew of course that the animals of the forest could not eradicate the squirrels. Recently there were reports of deer trying to climb trees. They just slid down as they tried to embrace the trunk.  Snakes were way too slow and by the time they got near the squirrels they forgot they had no hands to grab them. Some birds tried to attack from the air but usually ended up smashing into the tree trunk. Yes, the Squirrel War was hopeless but at least it provided well for Louis and his family.

In his den Louis slowly waved his black and white tail. His five little children were busy in mock fighting, raising their tails in threatening gestures and screaming “Psssst”. His lovely wife put her paw gently on his head and smiled. She was thrilled with their new status. Animals brought endless gifts just to be near their leader. Once the king of the forest because of his feared chemical attacks, he was now elevated to a seat of almost biblical power. He had the obedience of all of his subjects (except Mr. Porcupine)- thanks to the war which will not end.  Louis raised his glass in a toast. His glass tapped his wife’s glass- “Death to squirrels”.