Vending Machines Rule

The machine was really big. It stood over eight feet tall. The couple dozen snacks were brought to life under internal lights that showcased each treat beautifully. They were all lined up perfectly like the Rockettes. I scanned each one and I noted these delights were dressed in their finest. Bright reds, blues, greens and yellows caught my eye along with intriguing names to capture the imagination- like Payday, Turkish Taffy, Charleston Chew, Jaw Breakers, etc. Each excited my senses, carried me to exotic places and brought me back to the memories clinging to them like velcro. 

What a delight to find a true vending machine in a time when we order everything from Amazon. I like the visceral experience. The lights, the clicking of the coins, the feel of the cold steel handle I pull with force, the snack leaping into the bin below with a thud, my hand pushing the glass door. The package crinkles with joy in my hand. With Amazon it’s a tap of the finger and it’s shipped to your house in 3 days free.

There was my true love- Snickers. What a humble name for perfection in a small package. Just saying the word awakens my taste buds and sends a five star alarm bell call to my pleasure centers. I eagerly seek out my dollar bill and insert it in the slot. No need for coins- this will be quicker. Mr. Vendy rips the bill from my hand.  Now my reward awaits. I glance at all these lovely treats sitting in their trays awaiting the call. I pull the lever. A Tootsie Roll falls to the bin below. Please. I don’t want to offend the fans of Tootsie Roll, but honestly the only plus is that it’s chewy and lasts a long time. I could chew on a stick for a long time too and it might taste better. 

I sigh at my mistake, I must have pulled the wrong lever. Another dollar. This time it’s Good and Plenty. I try again. Twizzlers fly into the bin. Atomic Fireballs are next! Then Jaw Breakers. Why is Mr. Vendy hoarding the Snickers?. Even though I have paid the $5 in ransom he refuses to release my Snickers. I can’t turn back now. I must have my Snickers. I insert my last dollar bill and Mr. Vendy grabs it. I pull on the lever with all my might and a package of Sliced Fruit parachutes to the bin. Really? If I want fruit I would go to the supermarket for God’s sake. 

I stretch out my arms and embrace the massive machine. I try to shake some sense into Mr. Vendy but he will not budge an inch. No doubt he was trained to resist by the CIA. My last hope is to push the cash return button and try again.  No luck. I try several different button pushing techniques to trick Mr. Vendy into returning my ransom money. I use rapid fire pressing. Then I tried holding the button for ten seconds.  Finally I tapped out Morse code- “dot, dot, dot- dash,dash, dash- dot, do, dot”. There is no response to this universal SOS cry for help.

I search for some message that might allow me to liberate my Snickers. There is a “Need Help?” message a foot from the floor. I lower myself and kneel before Mr. Vendy.  In tiny print I read “Call 800-666-6666 for assistance. Be sure to have the serial number for this machine when you call”. In tinier print it goes on “The serial number is conveniently located on the top of this Model 3000 Worldwide Vending Master Machine”. 

After dragging in a few trash receptacles from outside I was able to construct a makeshift ladder. I crawled onto the top of Mr. Vendy as he stood immobile and indifferent to my presence. With my trusty smart phone flashlight I found the number. Help is on the way. I will have my Snickers!

Bent to a near horizontal position below the ceiling rafters, I smiled as I typed in the phone number. I would demand that the clerk at the Worldwide Vending Masters Corporation headquarters push his button and free my Snickers. After a few rings I was given the usual telephone tree. Press 1 for the address and fax number for Worldwide Vending Masters Corporation. Pess 2 for the calories and carbs for each snack. Press 3 for a list of symptoms of type 2 diabetes. Press 4 to receive a callback within 48 hours. Press 5 for no good reason. Press 6 for an inspiring message about the benefits of chocolate. Finally, press 7 for help in retrieving your snack. Yes! My tastebuds scream in delight. Snickers are near. 

Oh no. The message insists I enter identifying information before I can be connected to a technician in my area. No doubt Worldwide will search my history to ensure that I am truly worthy of a Snickers. I am instructed to type in my social security number, date of birth, name of my first dog, my favorite color, my sexual preference, and the number of bowel movements I have had in the last 48 hours. I laboriously type in this information for ten minutes or so. I’ve lost all sense of time. Suddenly a recording announces “You have reached the maximum time allowed. This call will be ended. Please call again the next business day between 8:15 AM and  9:17 AM PST. Your call is very important and we look forward to serving you”. 

I soon discovered these massive machines are even more formidable than I expected. They are impervious to bullets, hatchets, crowbars, icepicks and fire. I coughed a bit as I walked down the  smoke filled hall. The trash strewn about the base of Mr. Vendy burned brightly but Vendy still refused to release the Snickers. 

As I departed the parking lot, fire engines roared past. They have special equipment and they may be able to conquer Mr. Vendy. However, even these brave first responders will not be able to rescue my Snickers. They have melted by now. I reluctantly pull over and Google “Amazon”. I can receive a carton of 100 Snickers bars for a mere $79 plus tax with free shipping- in 24 hours. I surrendered and tapped the “buy” button on the screen.