I Heard That

When I bought my new car, the sales agent couldn’t stop raving about the built in, super sensitive, Bluetooth feature. I was more interested in horsepower, gas mileage, and what the warranty covered. If I had known then what I know now, I would have bought from another manufacturer.

A week with my new ride had passed with nothing out of the ordinary to report. It wasn’t until I parked at a shopping mall that the craziness began. I reached for the ignition switch and started the car. A gruff sounding male voice boomed through the car speaker’s warning, “Don’t touch that.” Reflexively, I yanked my hand back while whipping my head around to see who was speaking. Within seconds, a child’s voice responded, “But why can’t I?” The man’s response became garbled in static, and the conversation disappeared. Now I understood what the car salesman was referring to when he talked about a sensitive Bluetooth reception.

The following week, I parked in the lot at the beginning of my favorite running trail when it happened again. This time, a female voice speaking in whispered tones said, “He’s going to do it. I just know he is.”

A different woman replied, “You can’t let him get away with it. He will destroy everything if he talks.”

“Short of killing him, I don’t think there is anything I can do.”

“So we’ll kill him then. I want you to meet,” garble, garble, static, silence.

I sat in my seat, dumbfounded after just overhearing two women planning to murder someone and I could do nothing to stop it. Instead of going for a run, I drove home. Two days later, on the front page of the morning paper, the headline read, Man Murdered in His Bathtub. Police Have No Clues. I turned off the car media center. Driving in silence was boring, so after a second week passed, I rebooted the system and reconnected with the world.

My next Bluetooth encounter happened while parked in front of a local stockbroker’s office. I never seem to have enough money to invest in stocks. Actually, that’s not true. I have enough money to invest. I don’t have enough to lose. Once again, my overactive Bluetooth activated during what was originally a private conversation between two brokers.

“We can make a fortune with this, Bob.”

“I know, Mike, except we need to be careful. The Feds will be all over us for insider trading if we make too much. Have any ideas?”

“Ghost accounts. We can take names from European phone books and set up bogus accounts all around the world. That way, when we sell the stock at a huge profit, the money goes into the bogus accounts until we slowly harvest them.”

“I like it, Mike! Let’s get to work setting up the accounts immediately. I’m sure the, …Lost Signal, reconnecting now…, company will thank us for making them rich.”

I had just enough information to know people were about to do something illegal and make a ton of money, but not enough to benefit personally.  

The final incursion into people’s privacy came on a drive to my girlfriend’s apartment. This time, the voices coming through the speaker were instantly recognizable as my girlfriend and my best friend.

“I can be there in ten minutes, Jackie. I already have the booze and glasses in the car.”

“Too soon, Mitch. Peter will be here any moment now. Give me about an hour to get rid of him, and then we’ll have the rest of the evening.”

Angry, hurt, betrayed, I planned my revenge. My visit with Jackie would be short and sweet. Feigning an upset stomach, I left less than an hour after arriving. Then I waited for my x-best friend to arrive.

Mitch arrived shortly after I left her place. I watched him exit his car and remove a large box from the trunk. With some effort, he carried the box to Jackie’s door and gave it a kick. She was all smiles when she opened the door and let Mitch in. I waited for about fifteen minutes and strode purposefully to her apartment, and knocked.

The stunned look on her face was priceless, but not nearly as stunned as I looked when I saw the happy birthday banners hung in the doorjambs and the party plates on the table. My birthday was tomorrow, and they were decorating her apartment for a surprise party they were giving me. It took a lot of explaining, but the evening ended with hugs, handshakes, and laughter.

The day after my birthday, I traded the car in for one without Bluetooth.