Back to School Madlibs

The world is quite a mess now as children return to school- some for the first time in over a year. Schools clearly have not escaped the world’s problems. In the hope that humor heals, I offer the following “Back to School Madlibs”. You know how it works but I’ll offer this refresher. You are to supply random nouns, verbs, adjectives, adverbs and proper nouns and these are inserted into a pre-written text. The results hopefully seem sort of right, but should be an amusing twist on a difficult subject. So here goes. 

Since it is too time consuming to come up with 39 of these random words, I’ve done it for you. You don’t have to thank me for saving 12 minutes of your precious life. My words are inserted in the spaces  but you can put in your own word for each blank space if you insist. However, you may want to use those precious 12 minutes to do something useful like ____ (insert a verb, e.g. flossing) the heck out of your ___ (insert a body part, e.g- earlobes). OK, I think you are ready now. Let’s go ….

First Day at School

OK, the first day of school is upon us. It’s been over a year for many of you kids. But what’s there to be afraid of? It’s not like   ____ (insert bird) canaries are going to swoop down and ___ (insert verb) eat your ___ (insert body enhancement) nose ring). I wonder if your best friend will be there. Maybe he has moved to ___  (foreign city) Moscow. Lucky him.

I bet you still have your favorite shirt to wear for your first day back, you know with the school mascot on the back. The ___ weasel is a symbol of our unity and determination. OK, maybe we’d be better off with a ___ giraffe as a mascot.

You’ll have fun at school. They probably have cleaned all the lockers so you’ll have to mess them up quickly to make it your own. You can start by putting ___a dead cat in there. Then there are all the 6 foot markers and the face mask pictures crowding out the artistic displays of the first graders.Those pictures have been moved to the ___ restrooms where they can be appreciated. One advantage of going to school during a pandemic is that you can make a face or mumble ____ obscenities under your mask and nobody will notice. You might even enjoy painting ____ Mick Jagger lips on your mask to make a personal statement. 

In the past year plus you probably have forgotten key information such as the state capital of South Dakota. Don’t worry. You can look up anything on Google provided you take the time to stop watching ___ pornography on your smart phone.  Don’t forget the real reason you are looking forward to school- social life, activities and sports. 

For social life, it’s time for a new start. Why not go up to a child you don’t know and greet him or her. They probably will respond with a friendly word such as ___ “Love your sneaks. Did they have a sale at Good Will”. As far as new activities, you might try starting a new club like ___ juggling cats.  And don’t forget the sports. This year you might try a new sport- ___  smiling. It’s something you can do for the rest of your adult life- not like football. There is also a low risk of injury though you may find it can lead to ___ hair loss. There should be rules to your new sport of course. The penalty for  ___ armed assault might be ___ having lunch with your math teacher. Of course, you’ll need a job as an adult. You can’t live in your parents’ basement forever. So you can drop by the Guidance Office and tell them your college choice- ___ Jump U. You will need a backup plan too such as  ___  Mustard College or Cork Screw Trade School. Or maybe you’ll just take an online Zoom lesson in ___ spitting .

The yellow bus will come soon. At least there will be a police escort so you can pass through the anti-mask demonstrators in the school parking lot. I don’t know why they think it’s so bad to wear a ___ jock-strap over your face. I think it’s cool. I know I will feel safe at school. We will also be hosed down with ___Ajax dishwasher detergent.. There are no handshakes so we will bump ___ lips with the principal at the door. I understand he will be wearing a ___ pink hazmat suit. Very nice.

If you make it to school it will be hard to understand teachers talking with a mask. Your history teacher may tell you that Washington crossed the ___ Pumpkin River on his way to fight the ___ squirrels. Check that on Google.

Lunch will be a challenge. Due to social distancing you will eat at the  ___ autopsy tables lined up outside on the ___  Dr. Pepper field. Lunch will be meager. You will only have a small piece of ___ hamster wrapped tightly in a ziplock bag.Very tasty.

Well, after you have survived the first day you can come home and watch CNN. Breaking News- a new virus, resistant to existing vaccines, has been born named, “Mu” or ___ Bartholomew for its full name. It won’t be fatal but it will turn your ___ elbows black and it will require ___ 312 delightful vaccinations of ___ raw sewage to bring this next terrible pandemic to an end. It’s true. Go check  Google. It’s important to get the facts right.

So, there you have it. If you are just starting first grade, welcome to the club. You will need a doctorate degree to___ put up a fence post by the time you are 30. So you will have about 21 more years of school plus an additional few years added due to periodic school closures for serious diseases like ___ toenail fungus. Enjoy the ride. Oh yes, if you have counted the number of inserts you would have spotted that there are 40, not 39. If you did actually count them, please call ___ 666 and ask to be admitted immediately to the ___ morgue at your local hospital. That’s it. I can stop anytime. Really. I’ll ___ urinate now.