Creative Waste Management

I know. Whenever the topic of waste management comes up your eyes begin to glaze over and your thoughts wander off to cheeseburgers or your shopping list. But your cheeseburger and shopping list are exactly the problem. We humans are like locusts without wings. We consume everything in our path. It’s our nature. But we can’t continue to dump our waste into the ground or the ocean. We are running out of room. 

I know. You want me to repurpose or recycle. But that can only go so far. For example. Let’s take a look at a real waste problem. Waste. We use millions of tons of disposable diapers every year. Yes, we could go back to using cloth diapers and washing ten pounds of diapers per day. Do I hear any volunteers? No? I thought so. OK, recycling will work, you say. I suppose it’s possible to recycle diapers into men’s suits. But what’s going to happen when that dapper man gets caught in the rain? Yes, it’s ugly.

OK, maybe we can put those nasty diapers into orbit around the earth. It’ll block the sun and lower the planet’s warming. But of course they will re-enter the planet’s atmosphere at inconvenient times. Imagine a lovely outdoor wedding. Just as the happy couple says, ironically, “I do” and they embrace in their wedding kiss- a nasty nappy might smack them in the head as terrified guests rush for cover. 

No, the real solution for waste is to fling it all into deep space. I know, you don’t think we should be polluting space. But hold on. Space is really, really Big. There is ample room for all our waste out there. Some of it might even disappear into a Black Hole, nature’s outhouse. Besides, our Sun has a backup plan. It will eventually explode and incinerate everything. Problem solved. 

There may also be some side benefits to deep space waste management. Let’s say for a moment that Bruce Willis has been right all along. There are dangerous space aliens coming to get us. What will they think if we send soiled diapers flying at them? That will bring those aliens to their knees, if they had knees. They probably are too advanced to have knees which are totally unreliable as we all know. Anyway, I digress. They will surely get the message- there’s plenty more of this if you mess with us. Trust me. They’ll leave us alone.

So. There you have it. Conservation and recycling have failed. Consume and enjoy. Send all waste into deep space. Hmm. I’ll supersize that burger and fries, please.