Smartest Phone XR 2500

Maybe I should do it today. I’ve been thinking about upgrading my Very Smart Phone to the latest model, the Smartest Phone XR2500. After all, it’s been six years since my last upgrade which is 60 in human years.

While I contemplate this matter I will insert my Brilliant White Teeth Enhancer, model 7300. One a wonderful invention. Based on the robot vacuum technology all I have to do is put the small oval shaped instrument in my mouth and it will go about searching for stains and debris. That gives me time, while I stare at my cheeks bulging in various places, to think about the phone thing.

I smile into my Visual Enhancer Mirror XMF. It has a computerized image system that alters my image to any age. I picked 21, of course. Handsome devil, except for the aforementioned wandering cheek bulges. I could have picked images of Brad Pit or Harrison Ford, the younger version. But that would be a bit over the top. I will settle for my fine 21 year old visage. 

Anyway, back to the phone. The Very Smart Phone has served me well these past six years. I picked the “priority one” setting on my alarm this morning in order to get up for an important online meeting. I selected the “harsh mother” option for my wake up call- “Get up, stupid! Are you going to sleep all day and miss your meeting? Get your lazy ass out of bed right NOW!” There is no gentle snooze option. The second and third notices are increasingly threatening and an electric shock of the bed is the final step. I have never gone that far. 

I like the Very Smart photography too on my phone. I now have 4.2 million shots of trees, flowers, birds, parking lots, food, and relatives in various states of dress and undress. They’re all stored somewhere in the cloud I’m told. The Smartest phone promises even more storage. It also provides a background of your choice so there’s no need to travel for that special shot. I can’t wait to put my wife into the Grand Canyon. 

The new Smartest Phone XR2500 is kickass. Due to advances in AI technology it will have a conversation with you. I can select its IQ level, personality type, political party affiliation, and interests as well as its philosophical perspective. 

My BWTE rang its chime from within my bulging cheek. It announced “I’m done now”. I remove it gently from my mouth and stare at my brilliant white 21 year old teeth. Perfect timing as my Very Smart phone has also chimed. I push the message button. Very Smart Phone speaks- “Your new Smartest phone XR2500 will arrive in five minutes”. In a somewhat snarky tone it goes on- “It’s been a pleasure to serve you these last six long, long, long years”.

Just as I was about to head to the door to receive my new phone, my Very Smart phone had a message. “Given your search history, your phone usage these past six years, your purchases these last six years and the flavor of your breakfast drink, we have determined that there is a 97.456% probability that you will accept the purchase of the Smartest phone. We therefore have saved you the bother of ordering it. As an added incentive, if you accept the delivery from Bezos Intergalactic you will be automatically entered into a lottery for the next space flight”. 

As I reach the door and watch for the delivery drone descend there is a final message on my Very Smart phone. “All of your Smartest Phone XR2500 options have been pre installed. We know who you are. We have programmed you, after all. Have a nice day”..