Order in the Court!

Judge Archibold Hardbutt was presiding. As the jury erupted in laughter he slammed his gavel and shouted “Order in the court!” The jury retreated to muffled laughter as a few wiped tears struggling to regain composure. On the stand, I had just explained to my lawyer that I thought being a bank robber might be fun since I admired old gangster movies with James Cagney. The laughter from the jury was explosive. 

My lawyer had submitted earlier, as evidence, a picture of the famous actor from the 40s, James Cagney. He was quite the tough guy. The judge had allowed the picture as “evidence of the client’s state of mind”. Judge Hardbutt now regretted this. 

“I meant no disrespect, your Honor”, I pleaded. I was charged with attempted bank robbery after all which is no laughing matter.  As I sat in the witness box I continued, “I really did mean to channel James Cagney”. Turning to the jury, I held up the James Cagney picture next to my face- “Don’t you think I look  like him?”. More laughter. The judge ordered a recess. He was going to check the rules about removing evidence. 

The robbery was doomed from the start. I arrived at the bank late due to morning delays. I misplaced my medication and lost my hearing aids. I don’t know why I put the hearing aids in my slippers and the medication in the freezer. Odd the way the brain works. When I arrived at the bank I tripped on the single step into the bank lobby. Several nice people helped me up. One returned the toy 38 special which fell out of my pocket.. The toy gun had a roll of caps ready to fire. 

Then there was the problem with the note. After waiting in line for 10 minutes I realized I had left the note in the car. By the time I returned it was nearly noon. One teller line had closed and the new line had doubled. I waited patiently until I could not continue, swaying from my left foot to the right with increasing frequency.  The nice grey haired lady behind me said she understood. The prostate problem could not be ignored. I rushed off to the bathroom. She motioned to me as I returned and I took my position as next up for the teller. 

The robbery note was shown to me by my lawyer.  “Yes, that is my handwriting”, I told my lawyer. “Yes, I know I wrote ‘Hand over the muny’ on the note”. I explained that I always had trouble with spelling. I went on to describe Mrs. Ratchet’s third grade class. In great detail, as the jury sat rapt in my vivid recounting of the terrible scene, I described the humiliation I felt having to write ‘money’ 100 times on the blackboard”. I added, “I guess it didn’t work”. More laughter.

The jury was out for only an hour. They did ask to review the transcripts of my testimony. I think I heard some laughter coming from the jury room. The foreman read “Not guilty by reason of limited capacity”. A few of the older jurists smiled and gave me a virtual high five. My lawyer shook my hand and said “stay out of trouble”.

As I left the courthouse my bus pulled up. I noticed a big advertisement on the side of the bus urging me to sign up now for scuba diving lessons. While I sat in the window seat at the rear of the bus I read more ads above the windows. One proclaimed the fun of parachuting. Another urged me to consider a camping adventure in the Amazon jungles. My gangster adventure is over but it looks like I will have a busy year. 

I smile as I think of the benefits of being old. As Janis Joplin once proclaimed “freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose”. I am free. I repeat the phone number for the scuba lessons several times in my head. I hope I don’t confuse it with the number for the parachuting club or the jungle adventure. Oh well, we’ll see how it goes. Planning is overrated. As my bus got close to my home I forgot that I had driven to the robbery. I’ll just stay on board and do the round trip. That gives me more time to think about the adventures ahead.