The Short Straw

Captain Carter reluctantly agreed to be the first man to reach Mars. He suspected they were all just guessing that it would be a successful trip.  

He knew it was all about the fuel. Fuel was the calculation that had always stumped not only NASA but also the SpaceX engineers who were sending Carter hurtling toward Mars in just a few months. The problem: every movement in space costs fuel. Carter would need it to fire the rocket motors needed for steering, controlling speed, landing, and then taking off to return to Earth. And all the necessary fuel had to be carried into space on the spacecraft. “No gas stations along the way!” the disturbingly young engineers laughed. 

So, it would have to be a solo mission, on a very stripped-down spacecraft. 

They hoped it would work. Carter hoped it would work even more than they did. But the guys had all drawn straws, and Carter had gotten the short one.

The SpaceX team had mapped out a maneuver known as the Hohmann transfer as the most fuel-efficient way to travel between Earth and Mars. It would require a single burn into an elliptical transfer orbit from one planet to the other. However, the transfer would take around 259 days and is only possible approximately every two years due to the planets’ different orbits around the Sun. “It ought to work,” they told the anxious New York Times reporter.

They knew that landing would be another challenge. There wouldn’t be enough fuel to use thrusters to land, especially if Carter needed to take off and return to Earth. So, these clever Millennials had designed big air bags. “Cool, huh?” they said to Carter. 

“Yeah, cool. Literally. Because you guys know it’s also going to be around -60 degrees there, right? How are you going to deal with that? Maybe a battery-powered space heater?” Carter said with a laugh.

 “Great idea!” one of the kids in a plaid flannel shirt declared, grabbing his iPad Pro to start designing it. Carter sighed. The short straw…

“And how am I getting back?” Carter asked. “You’re sure there will be enough fuel for that?”

“Well…” a short, freckled 30-something said, “we think we’ll have just enough fuel for you to take off from Mars, and then when you reach Earth you’ll just barrel into the atmosphere and it will do all of the deceleration for you. We just need to make sure we don’t kill you with G-forces or burn you up due to excess heating. We’ve just about figured that out.”

“And when do I leave?” Carter asked solemnly.

“Two months.”

Carter sighed… “You know, I don’t think we should rush this. We should wait until the next two-year cycle rolls around. Work out all the kinks. Especially about me getting back, you know?” The Millennials just stared at him and then returned they gazes to their iPads.

“No, really. This is a very bad idea,” Carter said.

“It’ll be fine,” the tall red-head replied in “bored Valley Girl” vocal fry.

“Yep. I’m going to die,” Carter thought.

Fourteen years later, a wiser and more experienced engineering team had devised lighter spacecraft, and a new fuel that replenished itself in flight. Two astronauts would finally have all the fuel they needed to get to Mars and back, with all the maneuvers required to safely reach their destination, land, survive, and return to Earth.  This was finally going to work.

Upon their arrival at Mars, the astronauts descended from their craft, and immediately encountered a human skeleton leaning against a large scrap of metal. Four words were scrawled on the scrap: “I told you so.”