Coffee, No Filter

If you have ever met someone who travels through life blissfully ignorant of anything around her, you probably met Carolyn.

With no meaning of malice, but unfortunately no consideration of forethought, she said and did exactly what she wanted, exactly when she wanted, seemingly oblivious to any consequence. Her exploits can only be explained in her own words and actions, which are not to be believed as true, but are completely factual.  They must be, as no one could ever make these things up.

During WWII, young Carolyn dyed her hair blonde and fervently encouraged others to do so. With blonde hair and blue eyes, she was convinced she would be ok if the Germans invaded the US.

When her son was kicked out of catholic high school, she told the priest she was “not interested in knowing why. It just didn’t matter.”

With a depression-era bank distrust, she insisted on storing her money in covered pots in the oven as “the oven was already fireproof.”

She told her daughter-in-law, “You have such a pretty face, you should cover your knees because no one will think your pretty with those ugly knees.”

She loved to comment on her prepubescent granddaughters chubby cheeks well past when it was cute.  “My girl is still so chubby,” she’d smile and pinch her cheeks, which mortified a preteen girl who was still carrying baby fat.

When someone happily announced they were pregnant at a family gathering, her answer was “Oh god, not that.”

At a family wedding, she told the bride, “Men are too much trouble, they aren’t strong like women, they just get sick and die.”

Although that attitude could have been borne from tragedy, as of her ten siblings, five girls lived until old age, but the five boys did not live past puberty.  And her husband died at age forty, leaving her to raise two boys alone.

She told the young hostess at a housewarming party that it was a sign of death on the household when she saw a dead bird lying next to the sliding glass door.

Needless to say, it’s a wonder she was ever on the guest list for any occasion.

As an elderly woman, her exploits were numerous and legendary.

“People are so friendly,” she said. “When I am driving around, it’s like a parade with people yelling, beeping and waiving at me all the time.”

But that was because in elder age, Carolyn had an attention issue and she would drift onto the sidewalks a little while driving down the street. Of course, people were not friendly; they were horrified. After a quick trip to the store with her granddaughter, Carolyn’s keys were promptly taken away.

Carolyn went to church three to four times per week. She was tone deaf, but sung loud and proud, often sweetly telling people next to her that they were singing the wrong notes and recommended they practice before coming to church next time.

She gave her young grandchildren liquor bottles with holes cut in the caps with a roll of coins for every gift occasion to teach them to save money. Their parents frowned on liquor bottles for piggy banks.  

Her most outrageous antic was driving through ball fields in a little league tournament, slowly bouncing over grass outfields, bases and pitchers mounds.  Interrupting game play and practices, she beeped, waived and, sweetly hooted and shooed the puzzled young ball players out of her way, so she could pass and deliver a cooler full of juice boxes and treats to her grandson’s team.

From start to finish, Carolyn always lived life on her terms, without guilt and unburdened by the conscious filters of politeness or correctness. Yes, she shocked many, hurt some feelings and offended a lot of people. But I always wondered what her life was like without having to think about words before they came out of her mouth or live with worry or guilt after she spoke.

I once made coffee with no filter, by accident. It was strong, messy, a little bitter, and required some more work, but it got the job done just the same. I think maybe Carolyn did too.