Don’t Get Old

Everyone gets old. OK, some never make it to “old”. When I was a child, 50 was ancient. When I was 50, I was in “middle age”. Now, at 75, I am in “late middle age”. But a more accurate name for my current stage might be “at Death’s door”.

I’ve lost my edge- that’s an understatement. I used to have incredible energy and strength. It was easy- no real effort. I didn’t even have to work out much at the gym. Now, I have to push it to just get out of my chair.

I used to have fantastic vision and hearing. I wore glasses, yes, but that was mostly for show to make me look more mature and smart. No more.  Now, I need glasses to find my glasses. Hearing aids help as long as there’s no truck driving by- that drives me crazy.

I used to be kind and generous. If someone had a problem I would drop everything, even leave work, and then go to help out. I was always nice, but a bit rough on bullies. I never hurt anyone that didn’t deserve it. Now that I’m old nobody asks for my help. Now, I don’t even answer the phone- it’s usually a car warranty call. I should take a quick flight to Bulgaria or wherever these guys are and have a discussion about how they are cheating us old folks. Never mind.

In my Golden Years I just pop a few beers while I watch the oldies. TV Land is great on cable. Everybody did the right thing back in those days- even Lassie and she was a dog. I never trusted Mr. Ed though. I don’t like horses especially a talking horse.

I guess you have figured it out by now. Yes, I’m all alone. No family. They live far away. They sent me here for a better life.  But I lost touch. We probably don’t have anything in common now even if I did look them up.  Work has been all consuming over the years. I did have a sort of a girlfriend once.  She was lovely but she moved on when I just couldn’t commit.

My eyes are shutting now. It’s 9 PM. That’s a late night for me.  I prepare my Metamucil and bend the straw with a dramatic gesture. I wash down my 6 medications. I’m off to bed. 

As I lay in bed, before I turn off the light, I glance at the closed sliding closet door. I see my old uniform hanging neatly. It was quite sharp actually. Today though I would just be laughed at. Some wise guy would probably say “Hey, what’s with the big ‘S’? Is the ‘S’ for ‘Sucker’, buddy”? 

I shake my head to dispel these thoughts. I’m off to dreamland. Soon I will be flying faster than a speeding bullet. I’ll be able to leap over a tall building in a single bound. Ah, for the good old days.