Florida’s Favorite Game Show

Hello to all you 5.5 million senior Floridians out there. It’s time to play Florida’s favorite game show- “What’s the Odds?” I’m Bob Barker. I came out of retirement just for this show. Special thanks to my statistician, Billy Bob. He provides us with the real odds.

Our audience of Floridians are watching on their computer screens at home. Before we begin, the call lines are open. Billy Bob logs on- “Yes Bob, and there is a 1 in 403, 204 chance of getting on. But give it a go”. Our first caller is on the line.  How’s it going, Marvin Maplethorp from Alva? “Fine Bob, just one question- If I’m lucky enough to get to the finals, can I sign up my wife too?”. Now Bob, why are you so greedy? You’re on the Publix Supermarket site- you know the rules, one at a time. There’s not much to go around- we must share. Besides, women live longer than men, right Billy Bob? 

“True Bob, though this year lifespan averages have dropped 1 year for white people, 2 years for Blacks and 3 for Hispanics. Women still live 3.4 years longer than men, so don’t feel guilty Marvin. She has 3.4 more years to win than you do”. From Sarasota, Mary? “Hi Bob, I hear there are dozens of mutation viruses popping up everywhere. What are the odds of getting one of these and dying?”  Billy Bob? “Well, I’m no Fauci but the odds drop 8.3% for each new variant.  Unfortunately, since we have a new variant every 6.3 days the odds of getting some kind of Covid are 99.8%.The other .2% are living in the woods solo, in a cabin, off the grid. But the odds are good, 98.5% that you will survive, though in what kind of shape, is still to be determined”. 

One last call.  Carla from Tallahassee is with us. “Bob, I have tried 17 times in four counties at 4 different times without luck. What am I doing wrong?” Bob replies, “I bet you didn’t click on the red dot in the third line of page 3 of the instructions. If you read the instructions carefully you would see that you must click on the dot immediately after entering your social security number on page 5”. Sorry Mary. You were careless.

That’s all the time we have for calls. Listen up people. It is 5:58 AM. In two minutes you will be allowed to enter the game. Most of you have your two laptops, one desktop, two tablets and two smart all charged up. I know you have a slight advantage over people who don’t have 7 electronic devices, don’t have the ability to drop everything and go to the appointment site, have poor eyesight, are recovering from rotator cuff surgery, don’t speak English or don’t have a cell phone number. That will lower your chances a little, but you can play too if you like.

Here we go. 10, 9, 8 …. 0. (All screens go blank) …. Ha! Just kidding. Billy Bob, what have we learned? “Well Bob, 471 of you had a heart attack during this blackout. Most will die, but the rest will not be able to play the game. Spouses can continue playing however, if they choose. Just don’t tie up the phone lines with 911 calls”. “Oh, and 325 of you will die from a gunshot wound or stabbing with the last words they will hear from their spouse being …  You pushed the wrong button!” 

Remember folks, you have 28 seconds to hit “enroll” when one of the 37 sites on your screens lights up. Billy Bob chimes in “And we know 32% of you will miss the 28 second window because you are: going to the bathroom, yelling at their spouse or their canary to shut up, scratching their itchy foot, cleaning their glasses or cleaning their gun”.  OK, Billy Bob. Some of you have gotten past the first hurdle and you are on the prescreen page. You have the usual 35 seconds to complete the 25 question medical survey. Times up. We lost another 38% of you. Faster, boys and girls.

Those few of you on the registration section- you must select a site and time from the 345 slots available over 12 sites. Yes, if you get an “already filled” response, it’s back to the medical form. You must rush back and repeat the medical form again, in 25 seconds since you have no excuse. You’ve done the form once already. Billy Bob? “Yes, Bob, finger dexterity is paramount here. One slip of the finger on the keyboard and you’re toast. You will be dropped from the entire site if you mess up on this second medical form. Now, for those still hitting the buttons hoping to get one of the last few slots-  don’t give up just because your dog is whining to go out and your wife has thrown her computer through the window. 

Even if you get an appointment, statistics show the challenge is not over. Billy Bob? “Right Bob. Five will not get it in the arm because you had an accident in the Publix parking lot, seven will not because you will go to the wrong Publix, 8 will get lost in the beer aisle, 4 will forget their medicare number and 17 of you will fall off you chair missing your 4 minute window while receiving first aid”. 

Great, Billy Bob. Thank you all for playing Florida’s favorite game. OK, folks- you can stop pressing the damn buttons at home. It’s over. Tune in next week when we will have a special bonus game. In addition to our usual rules, the person who can Identify the middle name of Fidel Castro, sing all five verses of God Bless America, and tie a perfect bowline knot- he or she will advance to the final round automatically. Good luck to you all!