A New Theory

It started with a simple little grey frog about the size of a dime. They seem to be common in Florida. They also seem to want to cohabitate with humans. They find their way regularly into our hallways and living room. I never seem to discover them but my wife spots the Beasts and announces their arrival, “Get it!”. The tone of her plea suggests imminent danger but I now know the frog call well. I head for the pantry closet immediately and withdraw the big red plastic cup with a capital “F” written on it. 

Having placed the cup over the Beast I invariably announce, “All clear” and declare my intention to remove it the outdoors in a few minutes after I finish reading my article or finish eating my snack. But She Who Must Be Obeyed (aka Hilda Rumpole, wife of Horace Rumpole of “Rumpole of the Bailey” fame) will have none of it. No doubt she expects the Beast to throw off its prison and attack her in vengeance. I know of no evidence of fatalities at the hands of such Beasts. 

This routine suggests an interesting scientific study might be conducted. We could perform an experiment using analysis of variance statistical methods to determine survival rates over time, say 1, 2, 3 or 4 days with varying rates of temperature or humidity. What if we learn that these Beasts can survive in their little red prisons for 4 days without food, water or light? This knowledge might help us prepare for years long space travel.

This brings me to another frequent observation. She queries “How long has that hamburger been sitting in the refrigerator” as I withdraw it. My standard answer, always a low single digit, does not satisfy her. She will name the suppers consumed day by day backwards to the hamburger and then announce, “7.1 days”. She’s probably right. The “0.1” figure accounts for eating a bit early that day. Off it goes, into the trash. 

This again is a missed opportunity for research. My hypothesis is that we are likely to be able to eat food that has not turned green for at least three weeks after preparation, without harm. But, of course, we’ll never know. Think of all the food wasted planet-wide. 

Then there’s the “Push the chair in” as it sits two feet from the table after supper. She sees disorder in the chair standing sentry apart from the rest. Failure to return it to its rightful place no doubt will lead to a rebellion of inanimate objects throughout the home. I, on the other hand, see another research opportunity. 

Assuming we can’t expect children under 5 to push their chairs in properly, and assuming an average lifespan of 75, we have 70 years of chair pushing after every meal, yielding 76,850 incidents of chair pushing  in a lifetime. Assuming the cost in calories of a mere 1/100th of the average daily calorie output (2,000), that produces a total of 1.537 million calories consumed in chair-pushing across the lifespan. Multiply that by 6 billion people. This research suggests we can lower calorie needs, reduce food production and possibly extend lifespan by ceasing the unnecessary act of chair pushing. OK, the numbers may be slightly inflated here by the fact that probably 2 billion people have no chairs or tables, and they don’t have three meals per day. But even at 4 billion, you can see the value to avoiding chair pushing.

So, here is my theory. I have concluded that women’s prime driving force is to achieve and maintain order. Men’s prime driving force is not laziness, as it may appear on the surface. It is the need to seek knowledge and enlightenment. Further study will confirm this.