PANDEMIC LONELINESS

PANDEMIC LONELINESS

      According to a thorough analysis of one’s ability to form meaningful human connections, a report, from a federal committee, chaired by Senator Homer Simpson of Idaho, released just this past Friday, found that if you were lonely before the pandemic started, you will be lonely after it ends.

    Dr. Vernon Mount a member of the committee, stated: “There is an overwhelming amount of evidence that indicates that while being surrounded by others was not enough to mollify the deep sense of alienation that you felt before the pandemic. There is no reason to believe that things will be any different after the crisis is over.”

    The report, in part, explained that the pandemic merely intensified your existing isolation as opposed to merely causing your rejection from society. 

    Another panel member, the noted psychiatrist Carlton Kent added: “Crucially, these findings did not hold true for many other individuals. These was reaffirmed by the fact that during the pandemic your situation has been comparatively much more pathetic than any other person on the planet! While others can expect to regain a sense of belonging once the pandemic crisis is resolved, you will remain alone!”

    The now-famous Simpson Report concluded that you are fundamentally unlikable and incapable of being close to any other person.

    Regrettably, over the weekend Senator Simpson took his own life!

    His suicide note simply read: “I’m so lonely!”