911 … What is the Nature of Your Emergency?

… I understand. There is a disturbance in your neighborhood … slow down, Sir …I need some information. Did you say something about a herd of flying reindeer? … Sir, have you been drinking at an office Christmas party? … I see. Have you ever suffered from schizophrenia or bi-polar disorder? …

… OK, OK. Calm down and tell me exactly what is going on? … They’ve landed on your roof … I see. Of course, you are concerned about damage to your roof with all that pawing …It’s not just the reindeer that concerns you? … There’s a fat guy in a sleigh that flew by with the herd of reindeer? … He’s what? … Coming down the chimney? Are you sure? Have you had a squirrel problem before? … Ok, Ok. Stop shouting. I’m listening. … He’s stepping out of the fireplace, covered in soot … He’s wearing a red Superman cape? … Sorry. A red suit … Can you go to a safe room? … He’s talking to you … What is he saying? … Just “Ho, Ho, Ho” and he’s smoking a little pipe … Yes, I can why you would find that threatening … Is he carrying any weapons? … Just swinging around a big bag …. I see … the police are on the way. I’ve alerted them to a home invasion … stay calm.

… Hello. Hello … Are you still there? … I see … You are whispering so as not to alarm him. Good thinking … He’s putting a couple of wrapped boxes under the tree … Don’t touch them until the forensic team can examine them. The bomb squad is on the way too … now he’s filling the stockings you’ve hung with care … He’s calling himself a saint? … Be careful, don’t get near him. He may be dangerous …

… Besides the bag, does he have any other weapons? … No, candy canes are not really a weapon, but leave them on the tree and don’t touch them …  He’s sipping some bourbon you left on the mantel and eating a cookie too … that’s good, stall him until help arrives … The light at the front door? I guess that’s the spotlight from the police helicopter … Don’t tip him off. We want to take him alive … He’s scrambling up the chimney now? … He’s trying to make a quick getaway … stay calm. The SWAT team will be at your door in a few seconds …

… He’s flying away? … I’ll alert the FAA and the Defense Department … What? I told you not to touch anything. Yes, there appears to be face masks and hand wipes in the stockings but don’t touch them. It might be a trick … yes, the knocking is the police …

…  … What? You’re lying face down with your hands behind your head and guns are pointing at you? … Put them on the line please and Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.