The Election Day and Night Alternative

The Cartoon Channel provided a much-needed mental health service on election day and night. They ran a 24-hour Rocky and Bullwinkle Show marathon starting at 6 AM election day. Overnight ratings indicated that the majority of Americans wisely chose to tune in.

The lucky viewers missed microscopic maps highlighted by Wolf Blitzer showing how the seven families living on Tiverton Parkway in Oshkosh were trending. They also missed the record shattering 747 tweets from Donald highlighting at least 14 conspiracy theories. They missed US Marshals carting out boxes of absentee ballots in 12 major cities. They even missed a focus meeting with Margaret Merriweather of Peoria who was still undecided after she voted twice.

Instead, viewers of the Rocky and Bullwinkle marathon were treated to Bullwinkle’s innocent but inept questions, his odd interpretations of the world and his constant inability to pull a rabbit out of a hat. They also were treated to Rocky, the flying squirrel zooming about saving the day. Viewers enjoyed booing Boris and Natasha, two inept Russian spies. And they cheered Dudley Do Right, the Canadian Mounty who spent his days saving Nel and hugging his horse. Viewers watched Mr. Peabody, a brilliant dog with a pet boy; Mr. Peabody always understood science and history bringing order to the world.

Well, in our partisan and divided world, it was not surprising that this harmless diversion from the horrors of our life, would become a controversial matter. Bullwinkle Moose was not a stand in for Trump. Rocky was not a transgender, cape wearer, GLBT advocate, aka Biden. Dudley Do Right was not Chief Justice Barr, with an unhealthy fondness for his horse. Mr. Peabody was not Fauci. And Little Nel was definitely not Pelosi. It’s a cartoon! Can’t we just have a little laugh?

Jay Ward, creator of Rocky and Bullwinkle, has been given Secret Service protection following numerous death threats. Since he has already been dead for 30 years, the Secret Service was dispatched to the grave sight in an undisclosed location. The Cartoon Channel has been shut down by the FCC. Congress has begun daily hearings which will be televised live on CNN, Fox, ESPN and the Travel Channel.

Since sports and travel have been severely limited due to the pandemic, ESPN and The Travel Channel have joined the political world. They still have some old ties. ESPN has been considering Rocky the flying squirrel for a possible draft as a wide receiver for the perpetually struggling Jets. The Travel Channel is highlighting the cities and countries mentioned on the Rocky and Bullwinkle show. Locals are interviewed. They are often asked if they prefer squirrels or moose for a special dining experience.

The endless Rocky and Bullwinkle hearings in Congress at least will divert our attention while the Supreme Court hears 412 cases of voter fraud. Arguments will be even longer with 27 jurists. It is with sadness that I must report that Margaret Merriweather has been arrested and charged with espionage, colluding with Russians, in addition to voter fraud. On the plus side, she stands to make a tidy profit from her new book- “Hey, So I’m a Little Confused? What’s Wrong with That?” The book is apparently a pretty short read.

Meanwhile, a group of scientists have gone underground. In fear of arrest, they are studying the possibility that Covid 19 has unleashed mass mental illness among humans around the world, especially in the USA. Their results will be published on the Comedy Channel which is the only channel still not heavily regulated by the Justice Department.

So, we can all eagerly await the 2024 election, which has already begun. Rocky and Bullwinkle are the favored candidates for the two major parties in early polling. They have not yet been given Secret Service protection, the White House janitor and acting President announced today.