The Critical Issue Before Us

There is one major issue that goes unspoken in most public conversation. It is so divisive and sensitive that politicians stay away from this “third rail”. It appears that nearly everyone has a clear position on the matter and they consider any other position to be sheer madness. When some brave individuals speak about this issue they often invoke science to support their position while others invoke esthetics and personal freedom to support their position.

This critical issue has divided the nation and families. The fact that no one can discuss this matter even in the confines of their own homes, suggests the sensitivity and importance of this issue.   While our representatives in Congress can discuss war, plagues, taxes and the display of the American flag, they can’t touch this important matter which is at the core of our democracy.

We desperately need our political leaders to rise up and form a Special Committee in order to promote legislation or even to write a constitutional amendment. The very existence of our democracy hinges on this. Witnesses can be called and testimony offered before a massive live television audience. At last, the problem will be addressed openly and honestly- should toilet paper be installed rolling over the roll or falling under the roll?

The Under the Roll group will take a scientific approach pointing out that gravity will keep the toilet paper hanging free and more accessible. They will note that the alternative method often leads to paper clinging to the roll while the user desperately searches for the end. The Over the Roll group will argue that their toilet paper is more self-contained and esthetically pleasing and they will also point out that the end of the paper is 2.7 inches closer to the user for greater efficiency. They will add that this is an individual’s right to choose, like when and where to carry automatic weapons. The Under the Roll group will counter that their position is for the good of all and legislation is necessary for the collective comfort and safety of all Americans. They will vigorously support the “Tissue Issue Bill” and urge immediate passage.

We need not fear constructive and well-argued debate on this pressing matter. Yes, it is a messy situation that may open up further debate about wiping methods and the quantity of paper used. Health care and climate change interest groups will complicate the debate. However, with the experience of everyone hearing a loud flushing sound during one recent Supreme Court hearing, the Court seems to be sending a clear signal that they are willing to get to the bottom of this controversy and get their hands dirty.

America will soon rise up, get off the pot and lead the world once again.