A Look Back at Covid 19

This essay will not deal with the tragic worldwide effects of Covid 19 during the early years of the 2020s. Instead, here in October of 2027 we can look back and ponder the little stories that didn’t make the front page. For example, I call your attention to the tragedy that unfolded in Lake Woebegone on the evening of April  30th, 2020. Margaret Gunderson decided it would be wise to wear a face mask at home to protect her beloved cat, Clyde. Margaret was happily watching “Wheel of Fortune” when she started to adjust the left elastic band on her mask. She leapt up from her Lazy Boy and shouted the answer to the puzzled contestant on TV- “The answer is … ‘Whip it, don’t beat it! … ”.

With this excited exclamation Margaret released the elastic and the mask went flying towards Clyde. Seeing the incoming missile, Clyde was airborne. Poor Clyde did not clear the space heater. The fire marshal ruled that the cause of death was “careless use of face mask for both victims”.

On July 10^th, 2020, Sharon O’Grady of the Bronx watched Dr. Fauci state that fine virus particles linger in the air for 3 days, or was it 3 hours? Sharon immediately ordered Amazon to deliver 10 fans to her 10^th floor apartment the next morning. She was very proud of her fan arrangement. The first was placed in one of the two front windows for intake. The next 8 were placed strategically to blow the air in a general circular pattern through her apartment to the second front window where the 10^th fan sat to exhaust the air.

Sharon walked around surveying her work. Her long red hair moved about like a wind sock at a small airport. Perfect. As she approached the last, the exhaust fan, she was shocked to see her unemployment check lift off from the desk below the window, taking flight into the great beyond. In the ensuing chase of the miscreant below who nabbed the check Sharon was unfortunately flattened by a bus. Ironically the bus proclaimed in huge letters on the side “Stay Safe- Stay Home”. Too late for Sharon. The cause of death was “unsafe crossing”.

Then there was Trudy Lee McMaster of Dubuque. Early in October of 2020 Trudy read on Twitter that the President had escaped Covid death because he was saved by aliens who landed a small space craft on the White House roof. The ship was shaped like a KFC bucket with wings. Trudy Lee’s path to safety was clear- be like the President and eat only KFC. After gaining 217 pounds in two months Sharon passed away. She died because of several diseases, but not Covid, so I guess the KFC theory was correct. The cause of death was “Heart failure, pulmonary distress, super high cholesterol, liver failure and ingestion of a plastic fork”. The CDC asked all citizens to stick to the recommended amount, i.e. one KFC bucket in the evening and a KFC snack pack for breakfast and for lunch.

I must report the sad end of Billy Bob “Fig” Newton of Shreveport. A senior at “What’s Its Name University” he celebrated his coming graduation in June on April 1^st, 2021 by throwing a Covid Party for 400 of his closest friends, basically the entire senior class. Within two month he had killed 12,477 people in the area and sickened most of the remaining inhabitants of Shreveport and its suburbs. On the bright side, Fig was able to graduate since he completed his senior thesis on time for a change, entitled “What the Hell- Asymptomatic Covid Can Kill- Who Knew?”

Due to his survivor’s guilt and inability to get a job, Fig enrolled in a randomized blind medication trial in September of 2021. The first vaccine had failed that spring due to an unforeseen side effect- hysterical uncontrollable laughing and eyebrow loss. Fig was unfortunately placed in the Clorox group and he died along with 87% of the group members. The vaccine group showed some promise with a 50% success rate and no laughter or eyebrow loss. However, the placebo group hit a 60% success rate. Puzzled and chastened by their earlier failures, scientists decided to try a second trial, doubling the strength of the Clorox, doubling the strength of the vaccine and doubling the strength of the placebo. The data was somehow lost at the CDC so the CDC decided to give the vacinne a shot.

Some in Congress suggested that Fig should receive the Medal of Honor for his brave participation in the trial. However, this was dropped when his state attorney general filed 12,477 murder charges against Fig posthumously.

Throughout the ordeal most citizens of the USA stubbornly refused to wear masks. The rationale varied. Some said masks muffled speech. Some said masks were too hot. Ohers felt it made their nose hairs grow too fast. Still others said it caused autism. And most felt masks looked stupid and uncool. Since masks were off the table, the death rates climbed steadily, resulting in the collapse of society and government. Since the two-party system was unable to work, we have been ruled for the past few years by a coalition government, consisting of several new parties such as: Druids, Jugglers, Mimes and Environmentalists.

Nothing was done in the Great Halls of Government due to party infighting. The Druids were too busy praying to trees. The Jugglers were practicing juggling gavels and full cups of Starbucks. The Mimes were “screaming” silently as they clawed at the walls of small invisible glass cages surrounding them.  The Environmentalists were busy studying the endangered Death Valley Long Legged Caterpillar.

Scientists are still debating whether the end of Covid 19 was due to the vaccine or due to the collapse of commerce and social activity. But, a happy side effect of Covid 19 the precipitous drop in pollution, giving mother nature a chance to stage a comeback. The fuzzy, cute Death Valley Long Legged Caterpillar was saved.

So here we are, somewhat recovered in 2027. Science has been banned. Only cute animals are spared. We live and work in small cities and towns. We grow and use local food. The air is clean since we travel little. Our coalition party rule has worked well in that it doesn’t work at all. The only wrinkle in this pristine picture was a recent report from Happy, Texas. MaryJo Goodbody reported her collection of 200 Death Valley Long Legged Caterpillar escaped. Police were mystified by a flock of dead crows in her front yard.