Taking Flight

I looked at the beautiful shiny plane sitting on the runway. As I began climbing the steps. I was transported back to the mid-1930s when the first larger commercial airplane for passenger service was introduced to the amazed public.  I learned it was an American Airlines Douglas DC-3. I am greeted at the top step by the stewardess who is smartly attired in a proper cap, beige jacket and matching beige skirt at mid-calf length. Her red and blue scarf announces you are entering the world of American Airlines. She gives me a little wave and a big smile as she almost sings “Welcome aboard”. I expect tin seats, little leg room, no arm rests and other signs of early aviation. On the contrary, the seats were leather, there was plenty of leg room and the arm rests were comfortably padded.

Down the center of the plane a red, white and blue carpet stretched on to the open cockpit door. I observed the pilot and co-pilot, sporting their working best white shirt and blue blazers, chatting quietly. Before seating myself I glanced out the window and examined the props on both sides. They looked pretty sturdy. As I sat in the remarkably comfortable seat I reached into the pocket to examine the dinner menu for this four hour flight. We will eat well. NY strip steak with Portobello mushrooms, baked potato and fresh broccoli. A lovely strawberry cheesecake follows. I sit back and contemplate the start of the engines, the whirring sounds, the rolling down the runway and the gentle lift off into the heavens. As I was contemplating this trip back in time I realized my 5 minutes was about up and it was time for me to de-plane and return to the present.

Back to today.  I find myself jostled out of my recalling the brief trip to the past when flying was a wonderful experience. My daydream was interrupted by a flight attendant waving two small bags in my face, “Peanuts or cheese crackers?” I glanced at her name tag for a second feeling I should get acquainted. If there was a crash “Janette” might remember our interaction and come and rescue me. It took me a couple of seconds to turn off my inner life and she repeated with a slight tone of annoyance, “Peanuts OR cheese crackers?” As my five second decision clock wound down her hands began to withdraw as I shouted “Peanuts!” Then the next challenge occurred- “Coke, orange soda, ginger ale, coffee, tea, sprite or water … or you can have wine or beer for an extra charge”. Fearing physical attack if I delayed again I quickly announced “Coke!”

I began to unscrew my knee caps from the seat before me as I shifted my sorry carcass back an inch or so in readiness for my treat. This task takes some will power and effort, particularly with a tightened seat belt on. Now, slightly more erect, I glanced ahead and observed the tray was already lowered and held at its center a 4 ounce plastic cup filled with ice that had been coated with a light touch of some dark brown substance, presumably Coke.

I glance with some trepidation at the innocent looking bag of nuts. I searched for the tiny microscopic notch in the bag that will allow entry. No luck, as usual. These bags have been designed by the military to never yield. I recall with horror a past attempt to pull apart the package and the ensuing explosion of nuts that showered several innocent passengers nearby. Back then that was a misdemeanor but today it would be a federal offense. Assault will not be tolerated. I leave the nuts on the tray. I will save them for the several hour delay that sometimes occurs as planes get stuck in lines at various airports.

After I put the nuts back on the tray I risked a peek into the aisle. Fortunately no secondary carts were flying by. I stretched my head and neck a bit and looked to the right. “Jannie” was nearing the end of her mission. She was deftly tossing out peanuts and cheese snacks and then pouring various liquids into several cups on the cart with both hands. I wonder if she might have a second job as a magician or juggler. She’s that good.

I reflect on the wisdom of my decision to cease all liquid intake 24 hours ahead of this flight. The long rest room line quickly formed as the pilot accidentally shut off the seat belt light for ten minutes. I would have saved my little plastic cup for an emergency but that disappeared as I glanced out the window and briefly took my eye off the cup. “Jennifur” was no doubt on the prowl. I noted with another risky glance to the rear of the plane that a cart was left to block the rear rest room. I suspect “Jennie-Lee” was in there sipping scotch. I would not deny her this small pleasure.

As we de-plane or whatever they call this rush to freedom, I noticed no signs of “Jenny-Lou”. She might be still imbibing in the rest room of course. But she might have taken the easy way out, parachuting out the back to avoid the cleanup and airport food. The Captain thanks us for choosing “Divided Airlines”. Did I have a choice? The twenty or so airlines of the past have been reduced to two- “Divided” and “South-South West”. They have divided the country in such a complex way that to get from here to there, there really is only one choice unless you don’t mind flying from Rochester, New York to Fort Myers, Florida via stops in Chicago, Saint Louis, San Diego and Montgomery- that’s in Alabama I believe.

As I drag my 50 pound carry-on which holds most of my needs for the next two weeks. I am proud that I do not have to wait an hour for the luggage carousel. According to QAnon, the latest Conspiracy theory group, the carousel is really a machine designed to hypnotize passengers with endless loops of the same three bags. They warn that the flight attendants capture and later eat the children when their parents rush forward to collect the luggage in a dash to capture the luggage before it disappears. QAnon also notes that behind the Andy Williams singing of “Fly Me To the Moon” is a hidden message from the Deep State: “I love Divided Airlines”.  I am a bit skeptical of this child eating thing but I do recall “Jenny-Mae” did glance at a little girl in 5D.  

I can’t dwell on that right now. I must escape. Unfortunately the absence of all liquids for 24 hours can lead to headaches and fainting. I guess I will have to stop at the next Airport shop. I know, I hate to waste $8 on a bottle of water, but my health is important. I want to be able to survive the Car Rental challenge coming up. Wish me luck. And be sure to say “hi” to “Jennie-Jay” if you happen to see her on your next flight.