FEDERAL RESERVE ACTION

FEDERAL RESERVE ACTION

 

The Federal reserve, in an action to help Wall Street, infused $500 million worth of cocaine to offset stock market loses.

Financial experts were counting on the stimulus to turn 200,000 Wall Street employees into coked-up animals eager to buy any stock in sight!

After the “Coke-grant”, trading continued well into the morning hours with nary a break for food or water.

Wilford Higgentop had been a floor-trader for over thirty years. Upon using his share of the government grant, Wilford purchased a block of 10,000 shares of ‘Amalgamated Consolidated Limited’, an apparently non-existent stock.

Spurred on by the ‘grant’, Samuel F. B. Morsestein placed an order for 200,000 shares of a penny marijuana stock, ‘Good Smoke, Inc.’ He stated that he did not know why he purchased the stock. “It just felt good”.

Melvin von LaPaglia shorted 10,000 shares of ‘Porky Meat Packing’. Upon his move, Porky stock tripled in price to one and a half cents a share!

Famous stock speculator, Evan Sepulveda, used too much of the grant, overdosed and died! His last words, “Buy, buy, buy!”

One of the few female floor-traders, Anna Marie Laramie, traded over 15,000 shares of a lead mine, ‘Plumb Heavy’, in Fort Custer, Wyoming, for her client. The stock had zero value. Her client jumped out of a thirty -story window!

Stories of outrageous buying and selling highlighted this financial fiasco. Suicides were increasing at an alarming rate. Over-doses rocketed skyward. Making a profit from any of these transactions was a rarity.

Days later, the market crashed and the world’s economy collapsed. No one in the market cared. Coke use jumped, leading to a total lack of sane decisions and madness!

Dustin Hoffmeister, a low-level drug pusher in the Bronx, became an instant millionaire, pedaling the drug to executives who arrived in their chauffeured limos to pick up their stash.

Congress was urged to enact laws against the horrible epidemic, but most congressmen were so high that they abstained from every vote.