WHAT’S UP?

If you heard someone say, “What’s up?” you could be excused if you look upward. After all, that was a clear question. Although I do wonder why the speaker is too lazy to look for himself. If you did catch the subtext of the question you might answer equally evasively, “Not much” or “Don’t ask!” This begins to be a metaphor for a tight tennis match. A few gentle lobs back and forth with a slam coming soon. In this battle of evasiveness there is a tentative testing of the waters to determine if any genuine information should be risked.

Let’s look at this odd quality of spoken language for a moment. Take the common greeting, “How are you?” I have related my latest cholesterol level and the quality of my recent bowel movements, but that usually results in the other party checking their watch, even if they aren’t wearing one. So, the response of “fine” is a nice lob back to the sender, to continue the tennis metaphor. For a little spin on your shot you can put them a bit on the defensive with “I’m fine and how are you?” So now the original message sender must take a risk and share something. Of course, a really expert player might carry on with “You know, same old, same old”. Now it’s back to you to take the risky shot.

The same confusion can occur with closing remarks after some exchange of information such as- “I won’t keep you”. That’s a powerful sign off since it implies you’ve been holding them against their will in this conversation match. Of course, the hapless victim can volley back with “That’s OK, I was going to go anyway, I’ve got to run”. Now the “I-won’t-keep-you” person is caught far from the net as they were about to leave the court. He’s got to come back with something. The statement does not mean the party is actually going to run, unless they literally are dealing with that bowel problem. No, the final word must be “Great, I’ll see you later”. That takes away their power and states you are now giving them permission to leave and that you have set the conditions for the rematch. Game! Unless they counter with “OK, but I’m busy next week”. That’s a real finesse play. Your only chance is to volley for the tie game “I understand, we’re all busy these days”. 

In between the greeting and closing there continues to be the probing for a weakness. A simple “OK” is powerful. You are giving the other party permission to continue. You are in charge and you can withdraw that permission at any time. Well played. A double “OK, OK” or “Got it” is the slam shot to the corner. It’s time for them to change the subject. Of course if they don’t change the subject you’ll resort to “I know this is a big shift here, but did you hear about … ?” Another primitive but effective way to move the subject is the referee call- “Hold on for a second (you don’t mean an actual second), “I really need to: (pick one) stretch my leg/back/arm” or “I really need to (pick one): get a drink, go to the bathroom, check that smell- is it smoke”? Another nice play to change the subject is the compliment. “I hate to interrupt but that shirt is really very colorful- where did you get it”. Now there may be some casual good wishes thrown in but these too have hidden meanings.

The “Have a nice day” comment is actually quite powerful. It is an order after all in addition to a sign off. What if you don’t want to have a “nice day”? You might be in a nasty mood and you might want to stay there. And, by the way, what is “nice”. What if your definition of a nice day is to scream out a list of your grievances? You might not want to pick wild flowers or make bread. “Have a happy birthday” is another order. Great! You are marking another year’s passage- one more year closer to your death. Why should you be happy about that? Yes, Happy New Year is also a similar problem. What makes you think this year of death and destruction will be suddenly better next year. And it implies that you have some role in making it a happy year. Such pressure.

Then there is the hostile gesture of control- “When Hell freezes over”. OK, it is an assertive statement of rejecting some point or command. But what exactly is Hell anyway? For some it may be the Eternal Flames while for others it may be an endless loop of “Hey, Hey, Macarena” or the dreaded “Happy Birthday song”. While it seems impossible for Hell to freeze there are thermodynamic reasons why Hell might actually freeze over. Never mind.

So as we close, I’m sure you will agree that “time flies when you are having fun”. If reading this has taken two years off your life, I can presume it was not much fun. Besides, as Einstein has posited, there is no such thing as time. So “I’ll see you later” becomes a completely meaningless statement since there is no later.  Yet I feel like I am in charge again when I say “I’ll see you later”.  I will determine the when and where of our next encounter, which may not be until Hell freezes over.