And You’ll Get So Much More

She leans forward and stares directly into my soul. Her eyelids look strangely like little tents, peaked in the center and drooping at the sides. Her aging but wise eyes are surrounded by wrinkles appropriate for the wisdom of her advanced age. In spite of her apparent age her voice proclaimed with the sparkle of a much younger person- “Call now, and you’ll get so … much more”.

I was already seduced by her generous USA Medicare Plan benefits. “Call now” she commanded. “You may be entitled to hearing aids, eye glasses, dental care, gym memberships, transportation to your doctors, wheelchairs, meals delivered to your home and access to the doctors of your choice anywhere in the country- with little or no copay”. A red, white and blue banner at the bottom of the screen screamed in large letters, “Call USA Medicare Plan toll free, for a no risk, free consultation”. Small flags waved on both sides of the screen. I felt like I should rise from my Lazy Boy and salute, but I restrained myself.

It’s my patriotic duty to call that number. OK, besides an act of patriotism I have to admit I’m eager to get all this stuff. What a bargain. But wait. I recall the caveat- “You MAY be eligible for … “. I wonder what I must do to be “entitled”? Must I promise to refer a few friends to the Club? Must I memorize the Declaration of Independence”? Or maybe I simply must promise to write to the nice lady and send along pictures of my grandchildren with my annual Christmas letter. I’m sure I can be “entitled” whatever the requirements.

Then I recall her final statement, “Wait, there’s more, just call this number right away”. What on earth else can they provide? Free massages? Body waxing? Toe-nail clipping? Wigs and toupees? Free bingo for life? An autographed picture of Gene Autry? I must know. I will call now.

As I pick up the phone my “Little Voice” yells at me. “This is a scam. Nothing is free. You’ll get on the list and be hounded by emails and phone calls until the day you die. They might even follow you to heaven. I doubt that the even the Pearly Gates can hold the USA Medicare Plan back”. Hmmm, maybe you have a point Little Voice.

Just as I put the phone down, my Other Voice yells- “Don’t be a sucker, do it”. Several nice people have urged me over the years to call Barino and Carns to determine what my claim is worth. Numerous people have testified that they got several hundred thousands of dollars for their injury- far more than their insurance offered. I failed to call the nice lawyers simply because I had no injury. That was silly. I’m sure I must have had a couple of injuries over the years and I failed to cash in on them. No more of that. I won’t miss this ship as it pulls out to sea. I will take all of the benefits I’m entitled to have. I don’t want to be the only one in town that isn’t getting all of these marvelous benefits.

As I reach for the phone, a sinking feeling sweeps over me. I don’t remember the USA number. Perhaps that is a medical condition. Maybe I can sue somebody for memory loss and also get the great USA Medicare Plan coverage as well. I recall that the nice lady at USA works really hard and she will likely be back in an hour or so. This time I will be prepared. I place my Metamucil bottle and a pen on the folding table next to my Lazy Boy. I will write the number down on the bottle which I never lose. I already know the lawyer’s number from the jingle played several thousand times- 1-800-666-6666.

I feel content. It’s nice to be “entitled”.